Its CMA Awards time and everyone is getting dolled up for the big event. And we’re not even a minute into the show when Puke pulls a total dick move. While they get all nice and purty for the big show, Rayna stumbles on a prenuptial agreement in Luke’s stuff. And his explanation? “I figured it was a given.” I am serious. He just needs to never talk. Again. Like ever. Can the Nashville writers just have him get his tongue removed as a public service?

The Katie Cook look-alike covering the CMA’s on TV is a poor substitute. Katie Cook is beautiful and charming and probably too smart to agree to play a fake reporter for the fake CMA’s.

Juliette claims she looks like a hippo in her gorgeous gown and she tells Emily she is meeting Avery’s parents at the ceremony.

Back at Will and the beard’s place, the beard (Layla) is still having a pity party and what a coincidence! It’s just in time for the CMA (what rhymes with pity) party.

Gunnar is still stuck with his kid while Zoey is trying to get him unstuck, but come on, people! Why should we worry? It’s CMA night!

Back at Scarlett and Uncle Deacon’s house, Deacon isn’t interested in watching the CMA’s, even though he’s nominated. Scarlett is such a rebel. She’s going to sit in her PJ’s and watch it anyway.

Okay, first of all, I have attended DOZENS of CMA Award shows and they NEVER have the red carpet arrivals in front of Bridgestone Arena. But I guess things are different at the fake CMA’s where fans can bum rush the stars as they arrive at the venue. But way to go WKRN for having their logo on the reporter’s microphone when a random actor playing a reporter interviews Ruke. ABC is always in your face and don’t you forget it! Not to be outdone, there is a reporter from CMT interviewing Will and the beard and it’s not any CMT talent I’ve ever seen. Seriously? You REALLY couldn’t get the delightful Katie Cook?

Oh, Will. He gives a shout out to Texas (strike one) and then he yells “Hook ‘em horns!” (strike two.) If he is wearing boxer briefs that look like the flag of Texas, he is getting deported. I will get a Kickstarter to make it happen. And trust me. People WILL donate. No pun intended.

For some reason, Juliette keeps having flashbacks of her mother. Okay, we know why. Her mother died the day of the last CMA Awards, but, hey… lets push home the issue ESPECIALLY when she’s knocked up. Does anyone sense a freak out when she meets Avery’s parentals? We can only hope.

Can we all just feel the douchery coming off Jeff? Seriously. EVERY TIME I see that guy I need a hot shower followed by a cold shower followed by nuclear anti-contamination shower. But lo and behold- who does Mayor Teddy spot backstage at the show as soon as skeevy Jeff walks away? The hoochie hooker he has a thing for. When he finds her later, she is “escorting” some random old dude to the show and pretends to not know the Ted-man.

So the show begins and OMG! SCARLETT IS EATING! MY BEGGING AND PLEADING HAS WORKED! I hope it’s something like fried cheesecake bites. Sorry. False alarm. Its Chex mix.

Well, Carrie Underwood and Brad Paisley also host the fake CMA’s—including a cheesy opening monologue talking about Ruke and Will and the beard and yada yada yada. Making a special appearance on the fake CMA’s is The Band Larry… err… I mean the Band Perry. I like Larry. Or Hairy. Let’s go with that. Anyway, they present the award for Single of the Year and Rayna is the winner for a song that Deacon co-wrote. In Rayna’s acceptance speech, she thanks Deacon first. And Puke is jealous. Green is his new color, my friends. And it’s more than just jealous of Deacon. Rayna is cleaning up at the CMA’s and she is thanking everybody for her awards in her speeches… except Puke. And just like that, Rayna is back in my good graces.

So it’s Will and the beard’s turn to perform and the girls are all loving on his part of their duet and the poor beard is, as usual, largely ignored. When they present an award, she is given some ditzy lines to read on the teleprompter. Being the beardy rebel that she is, she goes off script and boasts that she deferred Harvard to pursue music. The outburst only causes more laughter from the audience. Harvard beards can be very distinguished, if groomed correctly, Layla.

Sadie is back and looking dazzling for the show, but she is getting mystery texts from some guy named Pete, who we learn is her ex-boyfriend. Spotting her at the backstage bar, Puke asks her how she’s doing and she shrugs him off. Not one to stop talking, Luke actually says something kind and flattering. Were you all listening?! LUKE said something that didn’t make me want to throw my glass of wine at the television!

Making appearances in the awards show crowd are CMA Awards show executive producer and video making guru Robert Deaton and Taylor Swift’s record label head honcho Scott Borchetta. Zoey points out all of these bigwigs to Mika while Gunnar is off taking a phone call from Mika’s grandparents. That’s when skeevy Jeff approaches and wants to talk to Zoey about her future with his record label. And how convenient-she leaves Mika all alone. Let’s HOPE he runs off and gooses Miranda lambert or even better- Will’s beard.

Joe Nichols is also making an appearance in the same capacity as the Band Hairy. He is presenting the award for Musical Event of the Year and Luke and Rayna are the big winners for a song Gunnar wrote. And, of course, Puke hogs the acceptance speech and Deacon, who has finally decided to watch the show, can see the chinks in their relationship armor.

Back at Uncle Deek and Scar Scar’s place, Deacon has ordered a pizza. Oh, sweet Jaysus. Scarlett might actually gain .2 pounds thanks to CMA Night!!

So, now that Mika has run off after Zoey gets a good offer from Jeff, Gunnar is freaking and Zoey has a chance to play the victim card. AGAIN.

Over in the nosebleed section Avery is talking to his dad about Juliette and papa isn’t thrilled with the baby daddy situation his son is in.  After a trip to the potty, Juliette comes back to her seat just in time to hear her baby’s future gramps talk some serious trash about her. Of course, this leads to more abusive childhood flashbacks for the knocked up head case. So, naturally, she walks off. When Avery finds her, a short little chat leads Avery to realize he is a judgmental ass- just like his father. When they return to their seats, Avery makes it clear to Juliette that they will both be good parents and will be nothing like their own parentals. Then, Juliette breaks the news they are having a girl.

Beating out Will for New Artist of the Year is Sadie, who thanks Rayna big time in her acceptance speech. Now that Rayna gets even more hype (and she has won 5 trophies), Will is over it and jumps up and storms to the bathroom. Rayna follows and he’s obviously a deep shade of hunter green with jealousy and then claims the only reason her album went Gold was because he proposed to her the day she released it. Oh, Luke. What have I told you about talking? Actually, don’t even grunt. Can we teach him sign language without douchey words?

But there’s no time for Rayna to be upset. She has to present the trophy for Male Vocalist of the Year and Puke finally wins this one outright. But it’s obvious to everyone watching that there is trouble in Ruke paradise.

Gunnar wins the award for Song of the Year, but is too busy looking for his brat to accept the trophy. He finally does find the kid and there stands Zoey looking all guilty and victimy. (Now, I really did throw my wine glass at the TV. But it was empty. I will NEVER waste a glass of wine, my lovelies.)

In the meantime, Teddy manages to have a saucy janitor closet meeting with his hoochie and she insists that this go-round not be on his tab.

Okay, so how many of you feel like the fake CMA’s went on longer than the real ones? Well, it gets wrapped with another guest appearance – this one from Trisha Yearwood who hands the Entertainer of the Year trophy out to Rayna. Deacon and Scarlett both celebrate the win and Juliette also looks thrilled for her. Rayna dedicates the win to her daughters, Sadie, Juliette and all of the female artists out there. And then, she FINALLY thanks Puke. And he even gets teary-eyed. Now, I am not sure if he is capable of actual tears, but after a few shots, even jerk heads are capable of real sentiment.

Back at Zoey and Gunnar’s “love nest,” Gunnar gets the kiddo to sleep and comes downstairs in time to see the trophy he won sitting on the table. As usual, Zoey is apologetic and takes the blame for the kid who can’t find his way back to his seat. Zoey breaks down when Gunnar admits he’s okay if Mika’s mom never comes back for him. FINALLY, Zoey grows a spine and admits she didn’t sign on for a kid and she is leaving. So, not knowing where to go, she heads over to Scarlett and Deacon’s place.

At the Will/beard household, people are already turning Layla’s remarks at the award show into youtube mashup videos and she is back to being depressed and moody beard. Teary-eyed, she asks Will to hold her and he obliges. I am so Team Will right now, ya’ll. I want my own Will to hold me every time I feel like a complete tater head, which is like every hour.

Juliette and Avery find their way back to her place and as he is about to leave, she asks him to unzip her dress for her because pregnancy renders women helpless and unable to call your assistant to help you out of an evening gown. Avery is obviously taking his time with the unzipping and wants to stay, but he bids her goodnight and like the good little sober boy he is becoming, he goes on home.

On a high from watching the awards show, Deacon is tempted to text Rayna and he does.

Speaking of the lady of the evening, back at her place, Puke is apologizing for being, well, himself. As he heads off to the shower, she checks her phone and sees the congratulatory text from Deacon. (TEAM DEACON!)

Show of hands who thinks he should have sexted her? I thought so.

See also:

NASHVILLE recap: "I'm Coming Home to You" (season 3 episode 7)

NASHVILLE recap: "You're Looking at Country" (season 3 episode 8)

NASHVILLE recap: "Two Sides to Every Story" (season 3 episode 9)