Nashville is BACK! Let’s just get down to it, shall we?

We kick things off with Rayna sitting in her closet. Oh girls, it’s like those writers are reading our teenage diaries! Well, mine was full of NKOTB erotica so that was missing.

The first time we see Juliette, she is freaking out and yelling. So some things never change. She pulls a Kaley Cuoco and chops off her hair, though it would have been much more entertaining if Faye Dunaway had appeared with a mug full of face cream and done it herself. But this is a flash forward to end of the episode. A bit confusing, yes.

We next see her rushing to Avery, who she is all of the sudden obsessed with. Seriously, this gal only wants guys who don’t want her back. I know. She must have mommy issues. My heart flutters a little for her when Avery tells her he can’t stand the sight of her. But she can’t be in self-pity town for too long because she has a movie audition to play Patsy Cline. A bit of a breakdown while singing “Crazy” for the audition works to her advantage and they want her to screen test for the film’s lead. She also finds out she’s knocked up shortly thereafter. It’s a great coincidence, because you know who else is? Hayden Panettiere. Yeah.

Now, from what I can gather, Will is Nashville’s Ty Herndon circa 1994, with a beard who goes by the name Layla. They’re shooting a reality TV show – irony alert – and in a scene that has Will performing at The Bluebird, she abruptly storms out. They then talk about divorcing and moving on with their lives. So they tell the reality show producer they are done with reality TV. Then the producer blackmails them with footage of him admitting to Layla he is gay, so they are forced to stay with a reality show that isn’t even scripted and I’m certain it’s the first of its kind.

Scarlett’s accent is still terrible and … does she eat? Seriously, remember in the first season when she wasn’t so scrawny? Someone needs her some hot chicken and STAT! She should’ve picked some up on her way out of town because she and Avery went on road trip. Running away from problems is what people on this show do best. Anywho, as Scar and Avery hop in the car to leave, Gunnar pops up in the backseat to talk them out of it. I now want a Gunnar for my backseat. He refuses to leave, so it’s now three for the road.

Bonus: they mention the Natchez Trace Parkway. Double bonus: Scarlett is from Mississippi, so we know what accent she is struggling to maintain every week. Okay, whoa. These budding country stars have car trouble and get stuck? They can’t afford a car that runs? Gunnar has chiggers from peeing off the side of the road. Oh, to be a chigger right now. They end up at the Boar’s Nest where a Dukes of Hazzard bar fight ensues followed by a hillbilly escape. No country clichés in this Nashville!

Here’s hoping next week they find their way to the set of Hee Haw where Lulu Roman can teach them how to play the moonshine jug.

In other news, Tandy and Rayna girl talk a lot throughout this episode about whether or not she should marry Luke or Deacon. (DEACON!) I am serious. We spend like three scenes with those two going on about it. (DEACON!) Maybe they should ask me…

Rayna and Luke finally chat and she tells him about Deacon’s proposal. In a barn. Around horses and such. Ya know, like a typical serious chat in Nashville happens. We next see Rayna flashing back to her early days performing with Deacon while listening to an old vinyl LP they recorded together. She even has Faith Hill hair in her flashback. Then she goes to Deacon and tells him she is choosing Luke. Did that Faith Hill flashback teach her NOTHING?!?! For the uninitiated, I am #TEAMDEACON!

Meanwhile, Luke meets Deacon in a dark alley (and don’t we ALL wanna meet Deacon in a dark alley?) but instead of a mad make-out sesh, Luke decks Deacon and tells him to “Leave her be.” Okay. We get it. This show would be over if Rayna and Deacon actually married, but you people are killing me with this.

Oh yeah, I should probably mention that Maddie continues to be a moody teenager with daddy issues and Teddy continues to be a moody politician with daughter issues.

The show ends with Rayna, Luke, and Deacon all showing up for a big benefit. Deacon told Rayna to perform with him at the show to prove she really wants to choose him and not that cheeseball Luke. That woman has had every chance to change her mind. Let’s hope next week she does!

See also:

NASHVILLE recap: "That's Me Without You" (season 3 episode 1)

NASHVILLE recap: "How Far Down Can I Go?" (season 3 episode 2)

NASHVILLE recap: "I Can't Get Over You to Save My Life" (season 3 episode 3)