No time for sobby goodbyes until the end, kittens.

Let’s dive right into the series finale of Nashville on ABC.

In LA, Juliette is schmoozing with Oscar voters and all she can think about is her kid. She tries to get Avery to take the kid in the private jet to LA so the baby will be with her on Oscar night. Anyway, Victim (Layla) isn’t happy because she thinks Juliette is trying to control Avery. But, Layla is never happy. If she were, there would be no need for her on this show.

Puke gets a call from Puke, Junior (Colt) and the little buggar has recovered from his injuries and is on light duty at his Army base. In their conversation, Colt mentions that his mom broke up with her boyfriend—and we all know it is setting up Puke to get back together with his ex-wife.

In New York City, Rayna has sold out a fundraiser, but we know she is really there to spy on Maddie, who is there to meet with mucky mucks at her new record label. And the producer of her new album is some guy named Vince Pierce. And then she takes a duck face selfie with him. If you’re trying to prove Maddie isn’t ready to be on her own, a duck face selfie should do the trick.

Will has been making the talk show rounds, taking any media interview that will have him because that horrible Bill O’Reilly think-alike, Cynthia Davis, is refusing to let him on her show because she would be giving his homosexual agenda a platform. The one good thing about this show leaving is we never have to see that hateful cow again.

Back on tour with Scarlett and Gunnar, Skinny is trying to figure out how to tell Gunn Gunn she loves him. The photos are back from her headphones ad and they are beautifully raw. As they make small talk about the ad shoot, Scarlett blurts out “I’m in love with you, Gunnar.” As soon as that’s out, in walks the skank of the month, Autumn. She explains they had just spent two weeks in Aruba together. Gunnar might want to go to the free clinic sooner than later.

Rayna and Deacon are stalking Maddie’s social media accounts and see the pic of her with Vince Pierce. Rayna is now freaking because when she was Maddie’s age, Vince nearly sexually assaulted her. With Kesha being on the show a few weeks ago, we can probably guess where this storyline came from. #TEAMKESHA

As Juliette heads back to her hotel with Glenn to get ready for another event, she is confronted by a paparazzo, asking if she was with Creepy (Jeff) when he fell to his death and pleading with her to tell him what happened on that hotel roof. Back in the hotel room, Juliette admits to Glenn that she realized what truly happened to Creepy in flashbacks (whatever) which is why she told the police she couldn’t remember what happened. Regardless, it’s obvious that Victim leaked it to the press and now Creepy’s family is launching an investigation and swearing to hold Juliette legally responsible. If this is trying to get me to feel sorry for Juliette, you are sorely mistaken. Karma is a bitch.

When Autumn gets Gunnar alone, she explains that Scarlett dropped the ‘I love you’ bomb because Skinny is the type of girl who likes to keep guys hanging. According to Autumn, Scarlett is also playing head games. Oh, Autumn, you’re giving our clueless little Sherpa Boo Boo a bit too much credit. Anyway, Autumn gives him the option of touring with her solo.

Wilma calls in his adorable ex, Kevin (who is now single), for some help with infiltrating Cynthia Davis’ show, which shoots in Atlanta. Kevin has some pals in Hotlanta who can help protest and make some public noise. So, it seems the gay parade with Will, Kevin and Puke is making its way to Georgia.

At the recording studio, Avery sees the Juliette/Creepy report online and Victim walks in, sees the story and turns on the Victim tears. She wants him to skip the LA trip if the article is true, but Avery wants to talk to Juliette first. Instead of waiting around for Avery to call his ex, Victim anonymously calls Creepy’s sister and tells her to talk to Puke, Junior if she wants to know what happened to Creepy. If you think about it, Juliette was doing us a favor on that hotel roof. Maybe we can make an appointment for Donald Trump to meet Juliette on the top of the Trump Tower?

In Atlanta, Kevin’s people are doing a great job at protesting Cynthia Davis’s TV studio, demanding Will be heard. But, she has her own bigots out in full force on the other side of the street. But, the gay parade is far from done, ya’ll. Puke sets up a portable stage and he and Will start playing a concert amongst the pro-Will demonstrators. Kevin is adorable and making googley eyes at our Wilma from the crowd. Puke tells Will he thinks they were meant for each other. Yeah, Will… you might not want to take love advice from a guy who was essentially jilted at the alter and destroyed a wedding cake in his subsequent outrage.

Back in the Big Apple, Maddie is recording with her sketchy producer, Vince. He invites both her and Cash back to his place – or should I say hole? At his sin den, there is a rocking party underway and Cash immediately skips over to kiss Chris Martin’s ass, leaving Maddie alone with the sexual predator. And right on cue, the sketchy Vince takes her to check out his home recording studio. Something tells me it will be cheesier than the red room in Fifty Shades of Grey.

At Maddie’s record label offices, Rayna tries to talk the label grand poobah lady into keeping Vince away from Maddie, but the bitch won’t bite. So, Rayna decides to “Go old school” and write her a letter. Oh geez. Corny doesn’t begin to describe where this plotline is going. Anyway, Rayna creates an open letter to Maddie and releases it to the press.

As is customary, Gunnar and Scarlett are now arguing and their duo is in danger of splitsville. Yawn. Oh—and here’s the thing, kids. The actor who plays Gunnar is British, which means he could have helped Scarlett work on her accent between takes. We all know that didn’t happen. Anyway, they want to break up and become solo acts and their manager is freaking because their duo act is successful and on the verge of stardom. But, if that is what they want to do, manager guy urges Scarlett to at least have a real heart to heart with Gunnar before going their separate ways. Thankfully, this is the last episode we have to watch Scarlett crying for most of the hour.

Creepy’s sister wants to settle out of court and is asking Juliette for 3 million in reparations. Juliette’s attorney wants to get it down to a million, but Juliette tells him to just pay the 3 million – with the agreement that Creepy’s sister will retract her accusations to the press. Sigh. Juliette gets away with ALL of her crap and I guarantee you Layla will not.

The protest concert works and before you can say "North Carolina," Puke and Will are making their way to the TV studio to give that bigoted troll her comeuppance. On set, Cynthia comes out swinging, accusing Wilma of domestic terrorism by pushing a homosexual agenda. She sounds like every current Republican governor. Anyway, as she goes on her typical, narrow-minded rant, Will interrupts her and asks “You’re scared aren’t you?” He tells her that if she isn’t afraid, she will let him speak. “I know people who feed on your brand of intolerance. I was raised on it myself, but people’s minds change when you stop being afraid. I’m a human being. I’m a good man, a good son. There is nothing to be scared of here.” Okay, now Wilma has me crying.

Glenn calls Layla in Nashville, asking her if she tipped off the media about Creepy’s death and she denies Juliette ever told her about what really happened. Glenn gets all pissed off and says he believes Juliette and doesn’t want to represent Victim anymore. Things continue to get worse for Victim, who is confronted by Avery. He has just gotten off the phone with Puke. Avery knows everything about her deceptions and Victim turns on the victimy waterworks, which won’t work this time. ANYWAY, guys, I really think Nashville got it wrong. Layla has really not been the bad guy at all in this show and Juliette is borderline psychotic, but she wins in the end. I’m sorry, kids, but Layla is correct here. Juliette is a horrible person. And Layla is left, as always, being a scapegoat.

At Rayna’s benefit concert for foster children, the arena is sold out, but Deacon, Daphne and Rayna are all Maddie-obsessed and focus on nothing else. When Rayna hits the stage, Deacon sees a pic posted to social media of Maddie with Cash and sketchy Vince and he leaves as fast as his handsome self can take him.

At the Oscars, in the limo with Glenn, Juliette FINALLY admits that she is a horrible person. Welcome to reality, you selfish cow! As they get on the red carpet, Juliette asks for (OF COURSE) ABC reporter Deborah Roberts. Back in a little cubbyhole area of the red carpet, Juliette tells the reporter everything about Jeff’s death, including the fact she was trying to commit suicide. The interview is live and (barf) Avery is watching in tears. Juliette goes on to say that Jeff died saving her life and that he was a hero. Yeah, a creepy hero.

When Scarlett gets Gunnar alone, she explains she isn’t manipulating or confusing him, she was terrified of her feelings for him, but she isn’t hiding them any longer. Come on Gunnar, you are as dopey as she is. She isn’t bright enough to be manipulative. Then, they get the call that it’s time to take the stage.

In Sketchy’s dungeon of skeeve, he tries to ply Maddie with drinks when she sees a text from a friend with a link to Rayna’s letter. Maddie reads as Vince fixes the drinks – and the letter essentially outs him as the sexual predator that he is. When Sketchy returns with the drinks, Madds tries to bail and when he puts his hands on her to sit back down, I want to brake his pervy fingers. He tries to give her a drink and starts to touch her when Deacon calls her name and comes in, saving the day. Instead of killing Sketchy, he just tells him that the world knows about his predatory tendencies. But this ain’t over, kiddos. As they leave, Cash comes in and apologizes and now Maddie has to choose between Deacon and Cash. Oh Lawdy. You go with Deacon, stupid. You ALWAYS go with Deacon. But, you also kick the sexual predator front and center before you go.

As Wilma and Puke leave the studio, the crowd of supporters has been waiting and goes nuts when they see him. Of course, Kevin is there and Luke tells him to go for it – which reminds me. I am LIVID this show ended without a gay wedding. I guess that means Hulu needs to get to work on acquiring Nashville. Anyway, on his ride home, Puke calls his ex-wife.

At the Oscars, Juliette gets a call from Avery (literally retching), apologizing and Juliette says she is taking responsibility for her actions and he says he is still here for her. Juliette doesn’t stick around to find out if she won. She hops on her private jet for Nashville. Good thing I brought two bottles of hooch to watch this show. The sappy sweet is nauseating.

Skinny and Gunnar are singing their hearts out and Autumn and manager guy watch from backstage. As the song ends, Gunnar can’t take his eyes off of her. He makes a quick decision, takes her face in his hands and kisses her. The crowd goes nuts and Autumn dies on the spot of a VD. I wish. What Autumn really does is fire them.

We next see Deacon with Maddie at Rayna’s show and Rayna hugs her brat and cries. Then Maddie says she wants to go home. My suggestion is to send the ungrateful spawn to the nearest military reform school. This storyline was lame and it demonized my sweet Deacon. Bad writers!! BAD, BAD writers!!

As Avery waits on the tarmac with the baby for Juliette to land, we find out she didn’t win the Academy Award. Then, an airport worker approaches and tells him they received a distress call and lost contact with her airplane ninety miles west of Nashville.

Wow, that is quite a cliffhanger to end with. Good play, Nashville. Good play.

A huge, hairy cliffhanger is going to create an even bigger demand for the show’s return. I truly hope it works.

If not, writing these recaps has been one of the highlights of my career as a journalist ... and I interviewed Dolly Parton—twice!

Let’s hope this isn’t the end of fake Nashville, but if it is, thank you for allowing me this amazing opportunity. And let’s all keep fighting the good fight for LGBTQ equality. This fruit fly will always stand with you.

Always.

See also:

NASHVILLE recap: "After You've Gone" (season 4, episode 19)

NASHVILLE recap: "It's Sure Gonna Hurt" (season 4, episode 20)

NASHVILLE recap: "Maybe You'll Appreciate Me Someday" (season 4, episode 21 SERIES FINALE)