We are back, my lovelies! I got my wine and my high cheese tolerance. Let’s dive right in!

While last season left us with the MOST predictable cliffhanger ever in the history of television, we are obviously not going to kick things off with Deacon. Instead we start off with the LA premiere of Juliette’s Patsy Cline biopic (and horrible movie title) Shenandoah Girl. Juliette arrives at the premiere – surprise surprise – alone. Now, she does have a weird Jeff-type guy (Patrick) around her, but it’s obvious she still has her head planted firmly up her own ass. It seems she is peeved that Layla is also walking the movie premiere red carpet and Juliette’s claws are ready to scratch. And what could make the red carpet vomit green? You guessed it, Puke (AKA: Luke) shows up. Juliette is opening for Puke and they are playing the Staples Center later in the week.

We first see Rayna moping around her house, checking on her kids and going to bed alone. We are meant to believe Deacon is no longer with us. But, let’s face it. Nashville without Deacon would be like RuPaul’s Drag Race without RuPaul. Not gonna happen.

We next see Rayna on the phone with Bucky and they’re discussing Juliette dissing Rayna in the press after Juliette left Rayna’s label for Puke Records (Luke’s record label. The name of his label is so stupid it literally hurts my fingers to type it.) Rayna next loads up her kids in the car to go see Aunt Beverly. In the hospital. Because DUH she had an aneurysm and Deacon walks into her hospital room fit as a fiddle. He stayed the night in the hospital room with his sis, who is in a coma.

With skeletal Scarlett’s mom in the hospital (and eating better than her daughter via the feeding tube), our skinny, bad-accented blonde isn’t showing up for band meetings with Gunnar and their manager is worried. And while we all hoped Gunnar and Scarlett would ignore the stereotypical storyline the Nashville writers keep tapping out to keep them separated, we got no such luck! Scar Scar is still shacking up with Dr. Hottiepants (Caleb) and Gunnar is still pining away for her.

Avery is living in Ohio with his parents and is being a great father to his baby daughter, Cadence, while Juliette lies about her spawn to the media and anyone else who will listen. And she is really aiming for that mother of the year title (with it being the fourth quarter and all.) We next find Juliette at a post-premiere party drinking and puking her guts out. In tears, alone with her puke and toilet bowl, she calls Rayna begging for help, but hangs up before Rayna can even figure out where she is calling from. So, what does Rayna do? Despite all of the horrible things Juliette has done, Rayna hops a plane to fly across the country and check on her. Seems totally logical.

Avery also has one of those moments (even though Juliette nearly caused their infant real physical harm) and he texts her the message “We’re still here.” When Juliette doesn’t respond, he tells his mom that he still isn’t ready to give up on his marriage (though the rest of free world is.) His dad wants Avery and the baby to stay in Ohio with them and make a new life.

Not doing much better is Will, whose career has essentially been on hold since he came out of the closet. He has been sleeping all the time and growing a gross hipster beard. Scarlett is enough hipster for one show, Wilma. When he whines about his sitch to Gunnar, he talks him into showering and at least getting off the couch.

Layla is doing her best to ride Juliette’s coattails, but Patrick is doing Creepy’s work while Layla and Juliette are on the road and they are trying to keep Juliette from clawing her eyeballs out. If you ask me, they should just put them in a bag, seal it, and sell tickets. Then, they could have the money to keep Nashville going for 20 more seasons!

While Maddie and Daphne bitch about Rayna bailing on them for crazy Juliette, they both get letters from their jail bait father, Teddy. Daph eagerly opens hers while Maddie tears hers up and tosses it in the trash. Of course she does. It wouldn’t be an episode of Nashville without Maddie overreacting.

Since Steven Tyler is trying to give it a go as a country artist, I’m not surprised he is on the show. What does surprise me is his creepy new porn stache. We have enough creepy guys on this show, Steven. Plus, you’re rock royalty. Shave. I don’t need any more nightmares involving characters from Nashville. But anyway, he is going to join Juliette on stage while she is performing at the LA concert. Together they sing the most covered song in country music, “Crazy.”

And just when we thought the days of awkward run-ins with Puke and Rayna were over, no! This tired gimmick is made fresh with a new season. Rayna is looking for Juliette and confronts Luke about how Juliette has had no time off and hasn’t seen her husband and baby in weeks.

Thank you sweet baby Jesus and Pope Frank, too! Will takes a long look in the mirror and begins shaving that rat off of his face. Then, he goes out with his cute songwriter boyfriend, Kevin. He can’t enjoy his evening because he feels like everyone is staring at him. Then, things get worse when a random hoochie mama he hooked up with last season walks up to the table and calls him a liar – while the entire restaurant looks on. So, Kevin takes their evening over to Church Street where Will is incredibly uncomfortable and walks out. And YASSSSSS BISHHHH, they were at Tribe!! But as fabulous as Tribe is, Will feels out of place pretty much everywhere he goes.

Skinny and Gunnar meet up to record and it’s the first time they’ve seen one another since their love bird duet on the roof of the hospital the night of Beverly and Deacon’s surgery. But their work turns into passion when they start kissing and Scarlett puts a stop to it even though she wants her consignment of Gunnar sausage. I do have to commend the Nashville writers for finding about 20 different ways for Gunnar and Scarlett to argue when they should be making out. She tells Gunnar she loves Dr, Hottiepants. Then Gunnar (AKA: Captain Obvious) comes back with “But, you’re not IN love with him.”

Rayna finds Juliette backstage drinking and, of course, Juliette plays off her drama-filled phone call as a butt dial. Rayna reaches out and tries to be a friend Juliette ABSOLUTELY DOES NOT deserve. Instead of being human for once, Juliette insults her and once again pisses friendship down her leg for no other reason than to be a raging bitch. But Rayna can’t stay in LA. It looks as if Beverly is coming out of her coma.

While still in her lashing out mode, Juliette next hones in on Layla, who moseys in looking for Patrick. Juliette tears into Layla, and while doing so, lets it slip that she and Jeff once had a fling. Juliette is in rare form, pointing out that at the end of the day, Creepy will be championing her and not Layla because Juliette is the bigger star. Adding insult to injury, Juliette tells Patrick she wants Layla gone from the tour immediately.

Deacon comes home from the hospital and catches Daphne and Maddie fighting. Daphne is jealous that Maddie’s real father is there for her while Teddy sits behind bars. Speaking of daddy issues, Avery realizes his home is Nashville with or without Juliette and he loads up Cadence and begins the journey home. Where is he going to live? With Gunnar and Will, of course. This would be a good time for the Nashville writers to NOT watch the movie Three Men and a Baby.

Instead of recording with Gunnar as they have always done, Scarlett records her tracks separately and Gunnar is disappointed to learn he’ll be recording alone without her for the first time since they started working together. And where was that scrawny little quasi-hipster? Lying to Dr. Hottiepants and telling him she loves him.

We end things with Rayna driving to work, listening to a couple of local disc jockeys harping on Rayna’s inability to keep decent talent at her record label, Highway 65. Maybe she should sign Steven Tyler. I hear he needs a country career. And a good shave.

See also:

NASHVILLE recap: "Til the Pain Outwears the Shame" (season 4 episode 2)

NASHVILLE recap: "Can't Let Go" (season 4 premiere)

NASHVILLE recap: "Before You Go Make Sure You Know" (season 3 finale)

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NASHVILLE recap: "That's Me Without You" (season 3, episode 1)