My goodness! What’s with all these frowning faces all over the place? Isn’t anybody happy anymore these days? Golly gee. It seems like everyone I know would rather bask in life’s unfeeling stasis than a nice warm ray of sunshine. What’s that all about?

I certainly don’t know. Life for me is a bed of roses: lovely to smell, dreamy to sleep in, easy to understand. I even made a list of all the wonderful reasons I have to be happy, though true happiness needs no reason. Maybe you can relate, my forlorn friend!

Here’s just a sampling from my smorgasbord:

1) Dance music. Helping me rule out boyfriends since 1999!

2) Starbucks Coffee. Soon they’ll own you, too!

3) Sugar and caffeine at the same time!

4) Crack!

5) First dates. You’re not going to get called out on any of your drawbacks yet, and there’s a good chance for sex afterward—the kind you can’t feel embarrassed during because the guy still doesn’t know you!

6) Really good kissers. They like you more!

7) Moms!

8) F-bombs!

9) Exclamation points!

10) Not using double negatives to avoid confusing those I don’t hate!

11) Mind games!

12) The romance of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. Finally! A sincere Hollywood couple after whom we can model our love lives!

13) Napoleon’s final defeat at the Battle of Waterloo in Belgium. I’m not writing this in French!

14) Adverbs that don’t end in –ly. Most seldom are they noticed!

15) College-level references that no one thinks are funny! (See nos. 13 and 14, above!)

16) Las Vegas, Nevada. Where else can you go further on a G.E.D. than a Ph.D.?!

17) Los Angeles, California!

18) The movie Virtuosity. The only place I can ogle Russell Crowe’s naked butt without having to climb a tree!

19) Caller ID. My ex is a telemarketer, so this comes in doubly handy!

20) Gay.com!

21) BotGuard!

22) The phrase “I’ve been busy.” How much has that lie saved my butt?!

23) Arnold Schwarzenegger. Commando rules!

24) The Republican party. On whom else can we blame society’s flaws?!

25) The mafia, because they’ve inspired so many great films and shows, and launched the careers of Ray Liotta, James Gandolfini and Shirley Temple!

26) My CD collection. None of it’s burned, so the FBI is A-OK by me!

27) The human ability to zone out. Christ almighty, did you say something? Be more engaging next time!

28) Selfishness!

29) Lists! How else would I convey this column’s thought?!

30) Happy endings! They’re everywhere you look . . . when you’ve taken enough pills.