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Vaginas are such divas. Hell, mine might as well be wearing a feather boa right now. I mean seriously. And their owners? Don't even get me started…
For starters, gay men have it so easy in the oral sex department! Penises are a piece of cake. Going down on a guy is participation-trophy-level easy. Girls on the other hand? Vaginas are so complicated that, when it comes to going down on a girl, there's literally an app for that. Hell, sometimes I still can't figure out my own combination!
It's always a high pressure situation, like trying to dismantle a bomb. “Red wire? Green wire? I don't know!” Then you realize there isn’t a wire, there's a button to push. Finding the best way to a female orgasm is about as easy as getting through a labyrinth with David Bowie trying to derail your efforts.
Vaginas are hard to bargain with. You can't yell at them when they're malfunctioning: you could cause the vagina owner to leak about the eyes and that's a whole thing. Crying and vaginas are bad combination.
I've had drama with my vagina for years now. I swear it's like owning a lemon. Something can always break or go wrong. You've gotta worry about each part individually: vulva, cervix, labia majora, catalytic converter… It’s always something.
And vaginas are soooooo offensive. There was an Instagram account where fruit played the role of a vagina and the account was shut down. Was Lafayette that spot on?! Everyone is "terrified of the p*ssy" it seems.
Don't get me wrong, they can be one haunted house disaster after another, but it's not like there's an axe murderer waiting inside each one... Or is there? Now, personally,,, I'm a believer that vaginas attached to unstable people are the best. Many times I've thought, "She's gonna set me on fire but, the sex will be great." That may just be personal preference though.
Vaginas require a lot of grooming, especially if you're LGBT. You can't show your gay best friend a shitty wax job and expect not get roasted. I get so self conscious about receiving oral. I start wondering is it too hairy? Too bald? What if there's a weird smell I haven't noticed? What if I have yeast infection? A hemorrhoid? Do I need to bleach my butthole?!
We do so much to dress our vaginas up. We vajazzle, have tightening surgeries, douche. We treat our vaginas like the ugly at kid camp who doesn't know they're ugly so we have to try to "pretty her up." If you don't remember who that kid was, it was you.
We treat our poor vaginas this way and why? Are we scared of our genitals in their natural state? If you've ever been in a vagina you know all too well their mind control abilities.
Going down on a girl is a bit less stressful. I've often found myself forgiving things I feel l'd be judged for. That's another way vaginas are a pain in the ass: they can go all wonky with their packaging. Your vagina can try to escape from your bathing suit
one lip at a time or eat the front of your pants and make its existence known to the world. What. The. French.
My mom is the worlds worst about rocking a camel toe. I've often wondered if it's even an accident anymore. I'm just like, geez mom, you have mirrors at home! (It's times like this I'm glad Mrs. Sulam and her camel toe don't read my column. )
Vagina owners can be real divas too. They get real persnickety when non-vagina-owning humans try to pass vagina control laws. In the lawmakers' defense, we don't have solid proof that vaginas are not in fact full of devil magic. If lesbians and bisexual women band together, we could probably do some pretty solid research on the matter ... at my birthday party this year. But I distress...
Penis owning law makers tend to have vagina envy when it comes to reproductive rights. I mean, jealousy is the only logical reason I can think of for them to take our reproduction so personally. You'd think they had to carry the babies or worry about vagina invasion in super high rates. Jealousy must be the answer. It couldn't possibly be the patriarchy using every tool at disposal to still exercise control over women under the guise of morality, right?! Naaaaaaah.
But those persnickety vagina owners, like the divas they are, seem to keep insisting on fighting back. They want the right to, like, adopt the child their partner carried or get their tubes tied when they decide or, like, get free STD tests at planned parenthood. You know, real irresponsible stuff. Luckily, middle-aged penis owners are there to stop us before we hurt ourselves by thinking and junk. Vaginas may be divas but they're our divas.
When it comes to me and my dark cave of devil magic I want to rule over it like a benevolent dictator. So basically, I want to decide how to use it to torture others and how much punishment it can take on my own. I'm a real diva that way.
Be nice to your vagina: know that it looks pretty and remember to feed the demon who lives in it.
Graphic via TheDailyPedia
For those with a thirst to celebrate, Red Bull Unlocked is the key. In city after city, the most exciting bars, clubs, mixologists, performing artists, and more take over a local landmark building to showcase their signature ambiance while also collaborating for a must-see mashup. And now it's Music City’s turn to seize the spotlight, as the event brings 10 bars together in East Nashville’s Five Points neighborhood.
Fueled by the best of Nashville’s thriving music scene, Red Bull Unlocked has curated an eclectic night of show-stopping entertainment performances including a pop-up Whiskey Jam show, DJ sets, musicians, and more. The full lineup is here:
- Whiskey Jam (feat. Dozzi, Willie Shaw, and Johnny Hayes)
- A.B. Eastwood
- Daisha / Rap Girl
- Boom Bap (DJ Collective feat. DJ-Rate, Case Bloom)
- Whiskey Disco (DJ Collective feat. Coach, Jim O'Shea)
- Old Crow Medicine Show’s Jerry Pentercost (DJ Set)
- DJ Stretch
- DJ Griffin Green
- The Play Mates (Drag Show feat. Sasha, Vanity, Deception, Aura Mayari, Corlis Todd, and Carmin Triple C)
Counting down to the epic celebration, Daisha shares, “I never thought I’d have the opportunity to perform in so many of Nashville’s top spots all in the same night. Fans can expect a lot of bops and high energy. I want people to dance and have a good time.”
Ward Guenther, Whiskey Jam Founder, adds, “Red Bull has been enjoyed at Whiskey Jam since the very first night, so it's only fitting Whiskey Jam is enjoyed at Nashville's first Red Bull Unlocked. Looking forward to this!”
Red Bull Unlocked Istanbul
Photo courtesy of Red Bull
Local favorites including Pearl Diver, Tin Roof, Lipstick Lounge, White Limozeen, and more will join forces for one epic night. Full list of bars and partners below:
- The Dive Motel
- Lipstick Lounge
- Pearl Diver
- Play Dance Bar
- Rosemary & Beauty Queen
- The Stage
- Tin Roof
- Whiskey Jam
- White Limozeen
- Woolworth Theatre – Opening Fall 2022!
- Eleven Eleven - Opening 2023!
Date: August 21, 2022
Time: 6 PM – 11PM CT
Location: 1102 Forrest Ave, Nashville, TN 37206
Entrance: Ticked event
Rumble Boxing, the boxing-inspired group fitness studio, opened its doors for the first time in Nashville on June 20 at 609 Overton St, Nashville, TN. The hottest workout on the block is hosting its official grand opening from August 4th-7th with daily classes, membership specials, and prizes from local vendors. The new Rumble Boxing studio is currently offering a buy one class, get one free promotion for the Nashville community.
Rumble Boxing delivers 45-minute, 10-round, strength and conditioning group workouts, crafted around teardrop-style aqua boxing bags and high-intensity strength training circuits. This brings all fitness levels together to experience what Rumble is known for: combining the sweet science of boxing with high energy and positive vibes.
Rumble Boxing Fitness Studio
Photo courtesy of Rumble Boxing Gulch Nashville
This boutique fitness brand offers serious benefits like increased stamina and strength, with cardio that’s actually fun. The seasoned trainers at the new studio are thrilled to serve their local community while offering this fun, new modern approach to boxing and welcome members of all fitness levels to the Rumble family.
The new Rumble Boxing studio is owned and operated by Blake Baskin and Antonio Compton. With their background in the fitness industry, this dynamic duo is excited to bring their passion for boxing and group fitness to Nashville. As business and life partners, Blake and Antonio aim to create a strong community within their new Rumble Boxing studio and share their message of non-apologetic inclusivity.
Black and Gay-Owned Business
Rumble Boxing Store with Dolly Parton Mural
Photo courtesy of Rumble Boxing Gulch Nashville
“We own who we are, and this brand aligns with that perfectly,” said Antonio. “This is what we want to create and bring to this community: a fitness class that is designed for anyone and a place for people to be who they are. As a Black and gay-owned business, we want to help lower the division we see in the world right now. Our goal is to bring people together through Rumble, set everything aside, and have fun.”
To echo their message of acceptance and inclusion, Blake and Antonio commissioned a local Nashville artist to paint an 11 X 6-ft. mural of Nashville icon and philanthropist, Dolly Parton. The massive portrait features the country star in Rumble Boxing gear in the lobby of the studio.
The excitement and buzz around Rumble allowed Blake and Antonio to recruit top-tier trainers to head up the new studio, including Head Trainer Oronde Jones, a well-known celebrity trainer in the Nashville market.
Rumble Boxing Fitness Studio
Photo courtesy of Rumble Boxing Gulch Nashville
“Compared to other fitness classes, Rumble is a class you can truly get lost in for 45 minutes. With the dark room, you don’t have to worry if anyone is paying attention to you. The music is awesome and inspiring, and the beat drops right when you need it the most. Also, with boxing being a sport you can never truly master, you’re always improving and crafting your skill. On the floor, you’re consistently doing something new, which prevents you from ever hitting a plateau.” Said Oronde Jones about his favorite part of Rumble.
Rumble has massive brand loyalty and widespread appeal, partly thanks to attracting top names like Justin Bieber, Selena Gomez, Kendall Jenner, Hailey Baldwin, Jason Derulo, David Beckham, and Kevin Hart to its studios.
About Rumble Boxing
Founded in New York City in 2017, Rumble is a group fitness concept delivering a mix (or combination) of boxing-inspired circuits and the transformative power of resistance training. Pro and amateur fighters glove up together, no matter their fitness level or skill, to reveal their inner fighter. The experience is a 45-minute, 10-round, full-body cardio and strength workout crafted around specially designed water-filled, teardrop-style boxing bags. Rumble was founded by Noah Neiman (former Barry’s Bootcamp Master Trainer, and cast member of Bravo’s Work Out New York), Eugene Remm (Co-Founder of Catch Hospitality Group (Catch Restaurants, CATCH STEAK, Lexington Brass), Andy Stenzler (Co-Founder Cosí, Kidville), and Anthony DiMarco (13-time IRONMAN, former Managing Director, Google).
Who would have thought that we would have to get through a pandemic in order to appreciate the small things we have, such as the ability to simply pack our bags and hit the road?
For two years, there’s been nothing left for us travel junkies to do but sit at home and try to find new destinations that we will conquer once we defeat what appears to be the biggest villain of the 21st century. But once that happens, hold your bags tight because we will be up for some of the most interesting travel experiences. Take a look at some ideas for your post-COVID traveling plans:
A Gay Cruise
One of the best options to have in mind when all of this passes is a good, nice and long (pun intended) gay cruise. Or cruise in general, for that matter. Bear in mind, social distancing will still be a thing in the post-COVID world. But COVID-19 likely doesn’t mean that cruises will cease to exist. On the contrary, though cruise ships will probably keep the number of passengers smaller than before, it is believed that they will become an even bigger hit in the following period, especially because they are all going to go a lot more environmentally-friendly. On the bright side, is there any better way of celebrating the end of the pandemic than by cruising around some magnificent seas, stopping by at great cities and having romantic dinner nights at nice restaurants?
A getaway in nature
On the other hand, there is always the option of stepping away from the hustle and bustle of large cities, and spending some time in a place that’s not only healthy, but also beautiful. Some of the destinations that plenty of people will look for are the ones that can cater for both peace of mind and amazing things to see or do. One such destination is New Zealand, one of the greenest countries on Earth right now. Not only will you be visiting the magnificent country that gave us the beautiful Shire from Lord of the Rings; this is also a destination that’s excellent for everyone who prefers relaxing to partying. If you’re up for some partying, you will be able to hit Auckland, while if you’re for something calmer, there’s plenty of amazing places that you can see and visit.
Dancing Around at Pride
Pride parades are also events that you want to have in mind for the post-COVID world. Such events have always been quite important, but it seems that they are now more important than ever. The virus has canceled more than 75 Pride parades all around the world, which is one of the reasons why we must support the ones that will see the light of day once the pandemic stops. Truth be told, the upcoming Prides will perhaps be the best Prides ever organized. Give the gays a couple of weeks of quarantine, then let them outside and see what kind of party they are able to throw!
A road trip
If you’re, as well, waiting for the day to wake up and say “long gone are the days when we were not allowed to go wherever we wanted?”, and if staying at one place gave you a lot to think about, then your first post-COVID travel experience should definitely be a nice road trip. You can practically choose which country you want to tour, and you can either take your own car (you have probably missed it so much), or rent one at your destination. Australia is an amazing country for this, though, as it offers the possibility of seeing the Great Ocean Road, which is an amazing thing to see and experience. On the other hand, if you do not want or cannot leave your country, you can also choose to go on a domestic road trip – there are amazing things to see in your vicinity as well.
Holiday for a single guy
If you’re single, or you’re traveling someplace with another single friend, then you should definitely organize a nice vacation for yourself or for you and your single friend, and hit one of the best European cities. Europe has been greatly affected by the virus, which means that now it’s time to pay it back and get it back on its feet by traveling there and seeing all the amazing things it offers. Any city you choose in Europe – you will not make a mistake. Apart from being able to see great landmarks, you will also have the chance to have a drink at great gay clubs and pubs, and join unforgettable gay parties. And if the gay scenery is not your forte, worry not, as Europe indeed has to offer so many different and magnificent things.