Here In My Car

Can anyone in Nashville drive?!

I mean seriously. Let me preface this by saying I'm a gnarly bad driver, but Jesus! I should be a part of a handful not a standard, and don't even get me started on construction here. Holy $#!*!

What the hell are they building, a freaking stargate at every exit? Like, you know what Antioch needs? More ways to get it...? Uh no, it does not!

This constant game of legos backs up traffic for what seems like years. I heard 136 people move to Nashville every day. On behalf of salty dog commuters city wide: go home! You will never make it in music, and you are just one more crap driver! Turn the U-Haul around and go back where you came from. And take the construction with you!

I would hate the other drivers, but it’s Nashville, so most of them are nice: they just suck at driving. I grew up in Memphis, and I have no shame in telling you what I have seen. Drivers who cut people off and are general a-holes are always from out of town and always rock a Shelby county plate. See, I come by it honest…

The thing that really blows my mind is the whole precipitation psychosis. What the hell? Introduce snow, rain, or, hell, even fog, and suddenly everyone forgets we are not playing street legal bumper cars! I get the meaning behind Jesus take the wheel, but you all know that was not meant to be taken literally, right? God Is not your copilot unless fully materialized, guys.

Sitting in Nashville traffic makes me day dream about flying more than I ever did as a kid...or having a tank. I value all people, but nothing will make you wish for a cannon like sitting in a parking lot on the interstate for seemingly no reason. You get to where the traffic jam started, and it’s like, ''Oh, someone threw gum out the window.”

Where are they getting their licenses? There is no way half the people are issued a legal piece of paper by the state, not with the skills I've seen. It's impossible! Unless, of course, your driver’s license comes with a blind fold and one numb limb, I can't figure it out.

Another thing I think that contributes to bad traffic is easy finance car places and liability insurance. The easy finance car places kill me. Seriously, you're 18 and wait tables at Hooters: you don't need a Corvette. That's all we need you and your bad credit and sense of entitlement behind the wheel.

And the cheap insurance? You're uninsurable for a reason. I don't have a problem with people with bad judgment, I'm just trying to clear out the traffic. You've made enough poor life choices, don't get behind the wheel. I know, I’ve been making poor life choices for a while….

On the other end of the spectrum, we have the Brentwood soccer moms and their land yachts. Where the hell are you driving into exactly, Bagdad? In that size car, that's literally the only acceptable answer. You're too self-absorbed to drive and no one needs so many kids that they need an armored personnel carrier. Are you breeding an army?

Here's a psychic prediction: You basic. Your life will be the same forever, so you don't need to go anywhere. Tucker and Quill will still grow up to think they're better than everyone else, whether or not you take them to 11 million activities. Park that barge and jog to Vera Bradley.

I haven't forgotten about the suburban dads and their midlife crisis sports cars and motorcycles. Look, getting old sucks. Believe me, I know. But a little sports car won't give you back your youth, and you were probably never cool anyway. No matter how expensive your sports coupe was, you're still a thirsty old man driving desperation on wheels. I know it feels cool, with your work dress shirt sleeves rolled up and your toupee flapping in the breeze but, you look like an idiot and you can't drive.

Now on to motorcycles. Basically the same rules apply: it doesn't make you cool or a bad boy to have one. If you want to impress me with what a badass you are, tattoo your rap sheet on your face. Oh ,wait, you can't, because you don't have one. You're a dentist, not in a biker gang. So park your big wheel, we don't need you Sunday driving with no real destination other than doomed alpha male-dom. If you are an actual biker in a gang, please run over these wannabes.

Next we have the distracted driver, texting or Facebooking or GrindR-ing while driving. Nothing you have to say is that important. Put the phone down and park. You have nowhere to be that will improve humanity unless it's a ditch.

Speaking of selfish drivers, let's not forget the drunk driver. In the day of Uber and Lyft, you have no excuse to drive while impaired. If you can afford to go out to a bar, you can afford to get home safe. If you drive drunk or high, let me be perfectly clear: you are the worst of the worst. As a human being you're basically who the worst parts of the Bible are about.

If you want to hurt yourself, whatever, but when you drive impaired you take the innocent lives of others into your hands with no care for their wellbeing. You are a complete waste. Far too many people die every year in alcohol related crashes. I feel like if a drunk driver hits and kills someone—and they live—we should get to kill them back. Like, at the scene, immediately. I'm guilty of having done it in the past, but I got my life together when I realized what an awful person I was being: I was real piece of garbage being that selfish.

Look Nashville, we've gotta do something about traffic. I've thought about slashing tires at random, but my best friend pointed out how it was illegal. Maybe if we put down our phones, stop being so entitled, and focus on being courteous, we can make traffic better. But I think we all know that won't happen, because we've got twitter to tweet at and places to get to fast. I'm buying a jet pack. The struggle is real.





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