For the Girls

Let me start with, I have nothing against Mormons.  I have a first cousin who converted to Mormon, went to temple, did the whole missionary-on-a-bike-while-wearing-a-suit-and-a-tie thing during the summer, married a good Mormon girl, has two good Mormon babies, and he is in the Coast Guard. 

So all and all, I guess I’m related to the Mormon Church family in some very odd, and so far removed that my gayness should never really matter, way.  So when I say I have no problem with Mormons…I mean it…but there is a show on television right now that blows my mind.

If you don’t have cable you may not have seen it, but the show “Big Love” is a new addiction for me.  No matter how much I just hate some of the characters, I can’t stop watching it. If you haven’t seen it, let me run it down for you. 

It’s about a family of Mormons who believe in polygamy and have left the proper Mormon church to do their own multiple wife thing.  So this guy Bill, who is played by Bill Paxton, has three wives and a crap load of kids and owns a building supply company.  Now he didn’t always believe in polygamy.  Only when his first wife got sick with cancer and almost died did he decide that he wanted to embrace “The Principle” of multiple wives and marry his wife’s nurse. 

If you ask me, this was a “just in case she passes, I think you’re a hot nurse and having my dying wife’s approval will allow me stick it in ya sooner” kind of thing.  And I’m not sure how he got the third wife besides she was some young chippie that he met and wanted to schtoop…so to make schtooping her ok with his other two wives he had to convince them that the Holy Spirit wanted him to marry her…so he could schtoop her.

Now this guy not only has three wives, he has three houses in the suburbs that are next door to each other and they all share a back yard where they all have family dinners every night, after which the husband and the three “sister wives” sit around and watch all of the kids play together. 

The older kids from the first wife, babysit the younger ones from the second wife and the third wife just had a baby and is pregnant again. Each night the husband sleeps in the bedroom of a different house with a different wife. Each of these women shares this one man on a daily rotating schedule. They all take care of him, make sure his clothes match, make sure he is fed, make sure is schtooped properly and send him on his way each day all the while listening to his every word for guidance for their lives. 

Now to the naïve Packer, this may sound like the perfect set-up, a dream come true, a world of wonderful poodles just milling around you waiting on you hand and foot and putting out for you whenever you wanted.  But let me just say, the sex aside, this is the worst thing that I could ever imagine for a Packer. If you’ve been around the block at all, you know that women are crazy.  And lesbian women?  Well, they’re the craziest of all. If you have ever had the misfortune of having three women that you’ve slept with accidentally end up in the same room together, you know how uncomfortable and confrontational that can be.  Now imagine if those same three women shared a backyard, a budget and a boner, and that will tell you how unrealistic this show is.

Now if this show was about a lesbian polygamist, I could tell you what kind of a hot mess that would be.

Monday night at Wife Number Three’s house:

“Where’s the big dildo?  You left that at Number Two’s house didn’t you? You’re a pig…get on the couch.”

Tuesday night at Wife Number One’s house:

“Oh no you don’t, Number Three told me you left that at Number Two’s house.  Did you even wash it?  You’re a pig…get on the couch.”

Wednesday night at Wife Number Two’s house:

“I don’t think so. I can’t possibly have sex with you every time it is my night.  I’m not a machine.  You’re a pig…get on the couch.”

Yep, three wives and still no schtooping.  Now that would be Reality T.V.

Live and Love Equally…although I suggest just keeping it to one wife!

Photo by Margo Amala on Unsplash

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