Do open relationships work?

Question Submitted:

My partner and I have been together for two years and now, suddenly, he wants to have an open relationship. I don't like the idea of him being with other guys, but I love him and I want to make this work. He says I'm being stubborn and possessive. Maybe I am. What should I do? Maybe it wouldn't be so bad. It sounds kind of hot. Should I agree to it?

Nathan’s Response:


Let's start with an analysis of what open relationships are really intended to be, and then come back around to the specific situation at hand. The short answer is yes, open relationships can work. But the problem is they often don't work.

The technical definition of an open relationship is when two people who are already in a relationship agree that they can participate in sexual encounters with other people without guilt, shame, jealousy, or resentment. In order for this to truly work, both partners must fully and completely accept that their partner will be intimate with someone else.

The trouble with this is that most humans just don't have that capacity. Some couples are able to pull it off and live very happily together. They even claim that having an open relationship is what keeps them going so strong through the years.

But here's what happens with most couples who fail with their open relationship. It usually starts when a couple isn't doing so well in the bedroom. One or both of them is bored, dissatisfied, or something along those lines. So they discuss having an open relationship, thinking that sex with someone else will liven their relationship and fix the cracks in the foundation. The problem is that one partner is usually really excited about this new adventure, while the other one really doesn't want it. He's just going along with it because he's scared he'll lose the whole relationship if he doesn't agree to things.

That's when things get really rocky. There is fighting, jealousy, hurt feelings... all the things that make us feel angry or sad inside. The problems that already existed in the relationship are magnified due to the intense emotions, and the new feelings of resentment toward the open relationship completely take over. In short, the relationship comes to a dramatic ending.

So once again, an open relationship can work. But it is a very delicate thing and most couples don't grasp the responsibility that goes along with it. An open relationship should never be used as a bandage to hold together a crumbling relationship. It's just the wrong approach because you're coming at it from a negative angle and trying to weave it into something positive. Instead, an open relationship is something that should be agreed upon under positive terms from an already happy couple.

If you're already having problems in the relationship, fix them. Deal with them. You can't take two unhappy people and expect things to get better when you add a third, fourth or fifth person. It only gets messier.

Back to your situation...

Should YOU agree to an open relationship? I'm sorry, but no, you shouldn't. You are clearly not okay with this, and you're falling into the same trap I described above. Your partner is not satisfied with things in the bedroom. This is something that you and he need to work out. If you decide you can't work it out, it would be healthier for you to part ways.

But under no circumstances should you add more people to a relationship that already seems to be having trouble.

I know it's a tough spot to be in, but you both have to decide what is going to work for you. It would be unfair for either of you to settle for what someone else wants if you won't truly be happy. Best of luck to you both.

Do you have a question or comment for Nathan West? All messages are completely confidential and your identity will not be shared with anyone. To ask a question, please write to editor@outvoices.us.

Editor's Note:The opinions expressed here are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of Out & About Newspaper. The opinions or views expressed are intended for informational purposes only and are not intended to treat or diagnose; nor are they meant to replace the treatment and care that you may be receiving from a licensed physician or mental health professional. Out & About Newspaper nor Nathan West is responsible for the outcome or results of following advice in any given situation. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional, psychological or medical help, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified specialist. You are completely responsible for your actions and neither O&AN nor Nathan West accepts any liability for any situation in your life past, present or future. By submitting a letter here, you grant O&AN and Nathan West permission to publish it in print, on this site or elsewhere. However, be assured that your letter will only be identified with an anonymous descriptive signature such as "Closeted at Work" or your first name. If you prefer, you may change your name in your letter.

WhistlePig + Alfa Romeo F1

SHOREHAM, VT (September 13, 2023) — WhistlePig Whiskey, the leaders in independent craft whiskey, and Alfa Romeo F1 Team Stake are waving the checkered flag on a legend-worthy release that’s taking whiskey to G-Force levels. The Limited Edition PiggyBack Legends Series: Alfa Romeo F1 Team Stake Barrel is a high Rye Whiskey selected by the Alfa Romeo F1 Team Stake drivers, with barrels trialed in their wind tunnel to ensure a thrilling taste in every sip.

The third iteration in WhistlePig’s Single Barrel PiggyBack Legends Series, the Alfa Romeo F1 Team Stake Barrel is bottled at 96.77 proof, a nod to Valtteri Bottas’ racing number, 77, and the precision of racing. Inspired by Zhou Guanyu, the first Chinese F1 driver, this Rye Whiskey is finished with lychee and oolong tea. Herbal and floral notes of the oolong tea complement the herbaceous notes of WhistlePig’s signature PiggyBack 100% Rye, rounded out with a juicy tropical fruit finish and a touch of spice.

Keep readingShow less
by Spectrum Medical Care Center

Nurse Practitioner Ari Kravitz

When I started medical transition at 20 years old, it was very difficult to get the care I needed for hormone replacement therapy because there are very few providers trained in starting hormones for trans people, even though it’s very similar to the hormones that we prescribe to women in menopause or cisgender men with low testosterone.

I hope more providers get trained in LGBTQ+ healthcare, so they can support patients along their individual gender journey, and provide the info needed to make informed decisions about their body. I’ve personally seen my trans patients find hope and experience a better quality of life through hormone replacement therapy.

Keep readingShow less

Descanso Resort swimming pool and lounge area

Descanso Resort, Palm Springs' premier destination for gay men, just received Tripadvisor's highest honor, a Travelers' Choice "Best of the Best" award for 2023. Based on guests' reviews and ratings, fewer than 1% of Tripadvisor's 8 million listings around the world receive the coveted "Best of the Best" designation. Descanso ranked 12th in the top 25 small inns and hotels category in the United States. Quite an accomplishment!

Open less than two years, Descanso Resort offers gay men a relaxing and luxurious boutique hotel experience just minutes away from Palm Springs' buzziest restaurants, nightclubs, and shopping. Descanso has quickly established itself as a top destination for sophisticated gay travelers, earning hundreds of 5-star guest reviews and consistently ranking in Trapadvisor's top positions alongside brother properties Santiago Resort and Twin Palms Resort.

Keep readingShow less