Dating's a Drag (Valentine's Edition)
Holy untucked, is this month's column gonna get real! I decided to do something a bit different in this month's issue, and touch base on some things that I feel all of us queens have dealt with on at least one occasion.
Those of you who don't know me personally probably don't know that I was in a committed relationship for the past ten years. We mutually decided to go our separate ways late last year, of course still staying friends and remaining on good terms. So now I am back in the dating game after battling an alcohol addiction and working through other issues, including the struggle of not having my other half for the first time in a decade.
After a lot of soul searching and a lot of A.A. meetings, I decided maybe I should try to date again. It's not easy to make such a big change overnight though. Now I am on the Tinder, and all those other dating apps, and the struggle is real. I know I'm not going to find love on Grindr, but, oh well, I have that too. Hell, it's been a long time so what could a little fun hurt while I'm looking.
The thing I run into a lot is most guys don't want to date a drag queen. They somehow are wired to think that we, as queens, want to be a woman because we dress in drag. Well, let me clarify for those of you who may think this way—we do not, in fact, want to be women (or most of us don’t anyway).
Sure, there may be some girls here and there that do decide to transition, however they are transgender. Most queens gender identify as male and have zero interest in transitioning. It's like playing a character in a movie or a play. It's a personality created from our minds, not how we feel on the inside.
Another prob I run into is they want me to help them do drag. This is fine with me, but I also don't want to be used or toyed with just so you can learn to do drag or because you think knowing me will in some way amp up a career for you.
Doing drag takes dedication; you have to mold your craft. Knowing a popular drag queen in town is not really going to help. So you guys should just be honest and ask that queen for help: do not falsely pursue a relationship. It's pretty f***ed up to play with someone's heart and emotions.
Then you get those guys that strictly want you because you are a “cross dresser.” Ok, sure, I can be playful and dress up for my man if he is into that, but some of them want you like that all the time. Yea sure we have all probably taken a boy home from the bar and had sex in face, but I personally don’t wanna wear that all the time. These guys most of the time even identify as being straight: yeah, okay.
It also, for me anyway, seems like they don't want me. They want Paige. Yes, I am Paige too, but I am also Darrell, and I was Darrell long before Paige came into the picture. It almost causes you to have identity issues, which can be a real struggle. It almost makes you feel like everyone likes her more than the real you.
I am new to all this dating stuff as a queen because I was taken when I started doing drag. I have always heard other queens talk about having these problems dating but didn’t experience it myself until recently. I've had a few good experiences lately with some of the guys, and surprisingly some don't even care that I do drag.
Unfortunately that is not the case with most of the guys, at least the ones I am attracted to. I always find myself having to hide wigs, shoes and such before they come over. I have thought maybe that’s part of the problem though. Maybe I need to pick better guys and not ones that are so hung up on whether I’m a drag queen or not.
I do get that some guys just aren't attracted to “femme” guys—and that’s cool and all—but it seems even the ones who are want nothing to do with a drag queen. I like being Paige: she has become a huge part of who I am.
I used to be that shy, weird little gay boy everyone wanted to avoid, but being a drag queen has completely helped shape my personality. Now I will talk to anybody, and who knew, the weird gay kid is actually pretty funny.
I guess what I am trying to do here is talk about it and bring it to light. Maybe one of these guys will have a different outlook after reading this, but they probably won't. With all the big changes going on in the world, I think it would be better to focus on who we are as people and actually give us a chance. Who knows you might just catch yourself falling in love with a drag queen!
I have also taken the time to quiz some of these guys and find out their reasoning behind not wanting a Queen:
Type 1 (The just-not-attracted-to-queens type):
Q: So what is it about drag queens that makes you so unattracted?
A: I don't want to date a girl, I want a man.
Q: What about doing drag exactly makes a queen “not a man”?
A: Because they prance around dressed in women's clothes and makeup. It's just not something I am into. I'm sure some guys are, just not me.
Q: Do you go to or enjoy drag shows?
A: Yes, but I don’t want to date them.
Type 2 (The help-me-do-drag type)
Q: Why do you think it is ok to pretend to be romantic interested when you really just want help doing drag?
A: Honestly, I don't l know: I guess I thought it was an easier way to get into it. I am attracted to you, but I really just wanna be a drag queen.
Q: Why would you not just be honest from the start instead of playing a game. Couldn't you just ask for help?
A: I guess so… I honestly just always thought queens were mean, so I was scared to just ask one for help with drag.
Type 3 (the chaser type)
Q: So what is it that makes you attracted to drag queens?
A: I like the fact they look like women. I love the makeup, the hair, and the sexy outfits. I also love the fact they come with something extra, if you know what I mean.
Q: Do you consider yourself gay, bisexual, or questioning?
A: No, I am straight, I'm just interested in it. I see them as if they are real women. So, no, I am a straight guy who just has a few fetishes.
Q: Do you do this with queens often?
A: I only have a few times, but I liked it. It doesn’t mean that I am gay though. I am just into different stuff. Tons of people are into different stuff.
Q: So you probably wouldn't want people to know? Or be seen with them?
A: Definitely not! To me it’s no one’s business who is doing what in the bedroom.