Being a card-carrying Republican isn’t easy in evil times like these. But I can count on my conservative brethren to help me score some media time. Take, for example, that silly Sam Graves. He’s the very best — Sam got national attention for yours truly, Francine.

In my last column, I was helping Sam’s campaign against that mayor lady, Kay Barnes. He loved it! In fact, he sent out a press release to every media outlet this side of Greenland claiming that that silly Kay had grabbed my pen and made me write about him.

Here’s the truth, sinners: Sammy must win. I don’t care that he is now ignoring me (no texts in more than a week). It could be the fact that I got more publicity than he did last week. Others wrote about your humble Francine in print and online, including the Kansas City Star’s Prime Buzz blog and Capitol Hill’s newspaper, Roll Call.

It just proves that Christians make the best purveyors of wisdom, doesn’t it? I get giddy knowing that I’ve influenced the mindless, liberal media (not to mention knowing that I will spend eternity at the throne of God, warming my delicate toes from the heat of your LGBT burning flesh). It’s all good.

I do need to share with you about someone who has been harassing me. Hourly, she calls or e-mails, and I’ve been ignoring her for months. But when some of her e-mails got hacked last week, I got ready for that national spotlight to head my way again. Yes, dears, I am being stalked by Sarah Palin.
Years ago, she was assigned to me by my Christian sorority as a “little sister,” but that whiny twang of a voice started giving me migraines and my doctor made me give her up. I’ll never forget her tearful goodbye as they shipped her off to a college in Alaska. I never heard from her again ... until recently.

Suddenly, she’s hell-bent to get me involved with her campaign, mainly to have me on the sideline so that when sweet little John McCain takes his last breath, she can immediately appoint me as her new president.

Yes, I know, she should be president. But she knows, like all of you, that your (now famous) Francine should run the country. In fact, the yard sign right above this sentence, “Francine & Palin” is now in production. Neither one of us thinks poor John’s going to make it to the finish line, so as the Boy Scouts say, it’s best to be prepared, right?

Oh, I forgot. You heathens hate the Scouts, for they won’t allow openly gay adults to sleep in teeny-tiny tents with the boys. You’ve got to be in the closet to have that honor.

Dang it! Sarah just texted me again. She’s as annoying as those raffle ticket salespeople at Corroboree last month. Don’t get me started about that kangaroo cover on last week’s Camp.

This week, little Daisy Buckët graces the cover, and despite the fact that she’s a sinner — and a boy — her new career as a member of the national a capella group Kinsey Sicks will make Kansas City proud.

But I promise that as your next president, I, Francine, will make you even prouder.
Francine offers her slightly skewed viewpoint
on issues in the Kansas City metropolitan
area’s LGBT community in each issue of Camp. And since you’re asking, yes, she’s a fictional character. Well, you asked. Would you like to respond to Francine or give her a tip on
something that may be of interest? E-mail her
at francine@askfrancine.com.