The beautiful voice of Karen Errington, a songstress at bar Natasha, delighted recent audiences with its range and emotional appeal. Although I, Francine, am a heterosexual woman, I can see why all straight men lust after her. And women, too, of the lesbian persuasion.
Oh, dear. As I write this, I find myself locked in a stall within the ladies? room at K.C.?s naughty little cabaret called bar Natasha, scribbling these words on a napkin. As I?ve learned to unlock my heart (and delicious wisdom from my soul) through ordinary prose, I?m discovering that everything I thought was real isn?t; everything I thought false is real.
My head is spinning. The peach daiquiris are delicious, and those young boys keep bringing them to me ? I had one in each hand! Sweet Jesus, I hope my minister doesn?t read this.
Before I get to the juicy tidbits, let me say that it?s been a week for loving. I?m finding that boys who don?t love girls (and vice versa) do find time for love, but what they do between the sheets is still a mystery to me. My dear, late husband was CEO of his business and a heavyweight in the church, but in our bedroom he was a 98-pound weakling. We ?celebrated? our marriage twice a year (our pre-arranged dates were Valentine?s Day and Canadian Thanksgiving.)
I was a virgin on my wedding night, thank you very much, and I wish I could say I?ve been completely pleasured by a man. But since I feel so close to you sinners, I?ll be honest: It took my husband longer to brush his teeth than, well, you know. And since this is my first Valentine?s Day without him, I was hoping that this week of love would pass by unnoticed. However, the men?s room attendant of Satan?s army, Camp publisher John Long, told me in no uncertain terms that I had to experience the world of gay and lesbian love. In 800 words or less. (And I have to listen to him because of my unfortunate DUI and that infernal court-ordered community service.)
At that point, I choked back a sob and rushed to my Hummer, where I lay on my leather seats and opened my soul to Jesus, baring heartache, the loss of my husband and his love, and the distant, cramping memories of when Aunt Flo used to visit. I can?t explain why the thought of writing about love brought me such agony, so I did what a Christian woman should do: I toughened up and drove directly to the Plaza to shop for a new wine-colored dress.
Wine-colored? Why not bright red for Valentine?s Day? Sinners, listen and learn. Bright red dresses are found on Democrats, hookers and lipstick lesbians. You won?t find them at Halls (proud Republicans, those Hallmark folks), so I am wearing my new, gorgeous ruby dress, locked in a bathroom stall.
I am sitting here because I need to be alone. There is so much emotion going on within me right now, and watching all the same-sex couples out there sharing smiles and conversation, and touching lips, I am beside myself with confusion. I will never, ever, understand you LGBTQ people. And why do you have so many letters in your acronyms?
There will be love birds in Cafe Trio this week, pecking away at dinner, gazing lovingly at each other?s beaks. Some girl birds will fly to the bowling alleys to share a corn dog. The younger flock will gather in birdhouses with dance floors, flipping their bright plumes, perfecting their mating dance. Love does that to you.
I wish I could fly away.
I?m on my fourth napkin now. My ears are still ringing from the beautiful voice of a singer named Karen (who talked about her $75 bra), proudly displaying her feminine wares to the drinking public, and my iPhone was out in an instant. It was like coming across an auto accident: I shouldn?t watch, but I couldn?t control myself. Karen is as ripe as the flavorful peach nectar I?ve been drinking ? but I can?t think of those sorts of things. Wipe them from my mind, sweet Lord!
I know why I have been set up to write this column: to persuade me that love is truly a connection between two hearts, two souls. To force me to accept that love is blind to gender and nationality. To open my eyes as I watch people of the same sex make a commitment to each other, and dedicate the rest of their lives to honor that commitment.
But I refuse to be crushed by such sentiment. I know what I?ve been taught, and I?m not letting go of my religion, or my happiness that Mike Huckabee will soon be in the White House. No more peach daiquiris for me, no sir. Especially if Karen serves them.
One-Night Romantic Ideas
Every couple needs one night a week to call their own. Go out on a date, and fall in love all over again. Below, I?ve listed a few ideas for your ?date night.? Please e-mail me (Francine@askfrancine.com) to tell me about your favorite spots for a romantic evening. I?ll include them in future columns!
Kisses!
Francine
The Italian Roundabout: Have Chianti and appetizers at Garozzo?s (526 Harrison St.), travel to Lidia?s (101 W. 22nd St.) for an entree, then finish the evening off at Il Centro (5101 Main St) with a light aperitif.?
Library Lovers: Travel separately to the Plaza library (4801 Main St.), and spend a half-hour alone wandering through the book aisles. As you happen upon your lover, pretend that the two of you have never met before. Strike up a conversation, and invite your soon-to-be lover next door to The Mixx restaurant (4855 Main) for a delicious light meal.
Hot & Cold, Sweet & Sour: Early in the evening, go to your favorite Chinese restaurant, and when you leave, take your unopened fortune cookies with you. Bundle up and walk hand-in-hand around the new addition of the Nelson-Atkins Art Museum, all lit and glowing. When you two find the ?perfect? spot, open up your fortune cookies. As you read them aloud, remember to add the words ?in bed? to the end of the fortune ... and then go home and make your fortune come true.
Francine offers her slightly skewed viewpoint on issues in the Kansas City metropolitan area?s LGBT community in each issue of Camp. This satirical column is meant in jest and non-thought-provoking fun! Francine?s opinions are her own, and they do not necessarily reflect those of Camp or anyone connected to Camp. And since you?re asking, yes, she?s a fictional character. Well, you asked. Would you like to respond to Francine or give her a tip on something that may be of interest? E-mail her at francine@askfrancine.com.
The Perfect Jean
Honestly, I don’t know why it took so long for stretch pants to enter men’s wardrobe. We’ve been looking at stretch pants for years, wondering what the appeal was and why women always wore them everywhere until I had my first pair of jeans with a bit of stretch. And don’t even get me started on my above-the-knee stretch shorts!
While I was mainly a Levi’s and Khakis guy, I had my first stretch outfit with the Mizen+Main pants, dress shirt, and quarter zip sweater. Complete game-changer in apparel, and where have they been all my life?
That’s where The Perfect Jean comes in. They contacted me to inform me about their “unbelievably comfortable stretch denim.” I checked out their site and perused the jeans and their descriptions (which are hilarious, by the way), and I knew I needed to try them.
When shopping for jeans on their site, they break it down for you starting with the fit you prefer.
When they arrived, I tried them on without first washing them because I’m a kid in the candy store when it comes to new things. They looked and felt like a regular pair of denim jeans but with a stretch. I walked around the house bending, sitting, and stretching my legs to test them out–sure enough, they bent and moved along with me, unlike my other jeans.
Me in my Perfect JeanJoe Morales
What is Stretch Denim?
Stretch denim is a type of denim containing a small amount of elastane, a synthetic fiber that allows for stretch and flexibility in the fabric. This addition of elastane provides the perfect balance between comfort and style, making stretch denim the ideal choice for anyone looking for a more comfortable pair of jeans. Think spandex, lycra, or any stretchy material.
My Thoughts on The Perfect Jean
Pros
| Cons
|
I gave them their initial wash in cold water and didn’t put them in the dryer. I don’t dry my jeans or trousers in the dryer so they will last longer. I love how comfortable they are, and how much stretch they have is perfect. I love the deep indigo color.
The only thing I would do differently is change the fit type because after wearing them for a few months, I felt the fit wasn’t quite there, but that was on me and how I ordered them. I did end up drying the jeans in the dryer so they would shrink a little. They fit much better now after the controlled drying, but they’re still a little loose in the waist and butt and a little longer than I like, which is fine because I can take them to a tailor and have them hemmed.
How to Choose The Perfect Jean
Form fitting jeansJoe Morales
The descriptions say it all. You can choose between five cuts and about ten colors; waist and length are your standard options. Every jean is made from cotton, polyester, viscose, and spandex and has about 22 percent elasticity! These jeans are also perfect for travel since they weigh under 11 ounces; you can shove them in your bag or luggage without causing a huge increase in luggage weight.
Fit
One of the first things you need to determine is the fit, and The Perfect Jean has them all. You can choose between skinny, slim, slim thick, athletic, bootcut, or Thick Thicc. Your style is based on personal preferences and body type, but if you aren’t sure, look at the different examples from The Perfect Jean site.
Material
While stretch is essential, you don't want a pair of jeans that are too stretchy. Look for a pair with just enough stretch to make them comfortable but not so much that they lose shape over time. Luckily, these jeans are made of roughly 67 percent cotton; at least mine are. That means they will be more durable than if you were to rely on just stretch alone, which can break down quickly.
Wash
There is a lot of talk about how denim should have a wash that complements your skin tone, whether a dark wash or a lighter, distressed wash. I’m not sure if I necessarily believe that. This is where your personal style comes into play. My personal style is staying with classic colors because I can build a wardrobe on specific pieces. Choose whatever color works best for you, as long as they fit well!
The Benefits of Stretch Denim
The most obvious benefit of stretch denim is the added comfort. The fabric moves with you, making them more comfortable for long periods. They don’t bunch up in the wrong places.
Another benefit of The Perfect Jean, or TPJ, as they’re known to call themselves, is that they strive to be as sustainable as possible. They teamed up with the Better Cotton Initiative (BCI), which promotes better standards for cotton production worldwide.
How to Style Stretch Denim Jeans
The Perfect Jean is versatile and can be styled in many different ways. Usually, my go-to is casual wear with a simple T-shirt and sneakers, but I have been known to dress them up a bit with a button-down or sweater paired with my suede Chelsea boots or Grant Stone Plain Toe dress shoes.
Where to Buy The Perfect Jean
You can purchase your pair of Ther Perfect Jean by visiting their website and following the fit guidelines, choosing your favorite colors, and choosing your waist and length sizes.
My Final Thoughts on The Perfect Jean
Jeans are a wardrobe staple for everyone, offering style and comfort. However, traditional denim can sometimes be restrictive and uncomfortable, especially regarding movement. Stretch denim—or any stretch clothing—is a game-changer. While I can’t tell you to buy a pair of The Perfect Jeans, I can certainly recommend them. I wear my Perfect Jeans once or twice a week, and they’re comfortable when I feel a bit lazy, yet, they’re a stylish option when I am going out. The next time I order some, I’m trying a different fit, but what color should l get?
The Best Cannabis Edibles for 2023
These extremely popular products have hit mainstream markets across the country and are setting sales records. Some of the strongest edibles can reach 30 mg of THC but remember to check the labeling because not all edibles are created equal. Some edibles have THC while others are marketed as having CBD.
You can purchase THC and CBD in the form of tinctures, gummies, chocolates, and even ready-to-drink cocktails and beverages. Remember, THC is what gets you high, and CBD can help with relaxation and calmness. What’s more, the edible flavors are endless. I’m by no means an expert but I did try out a couple of products just to see how effective they are. For the record, I wasn’t using them to get high throughout the day–okay, there was this one time my friend gave me an edible while we were out, but that’s another story. I actually have a difficult time sleeping through the night and the thought of continually taking sleeping pills, or products like Zzzquil, where you wake up in a foggy mess, isn’t appealing.
I want something that is going to put me to sleep, keep me asleep, and wake me up feeling rested and refreshed. The best type of edible products for me is those that put you to sleep. In case you weren’t aware, there are edibles out there that can get you high, feel good, and relaxed. Others are made specifically for relaxation, sleep, or even anxiety.
Dad Grass
Photo courtesy of Dad Grass
Dad Grass CBD Tincture
The Dad Grass brand has several product forms but the one I tried was the tincture. With the tincture and dropper, you simply place drops under your tongue about 30 minutes before bed. It’s made using 100% organic hemp flower grown in the U.S., and doesn’t include any herbicides, pesticides, or additives.
It does have a high dose of CBD and CBN (slightly psychoactive) but I found that the grassy smell and flavor didn’t make me high. Rather, it gave me a calming feeling and I felt relaxed enough to fall asleep. It has a grassy smell and the flavor is what you would expect to taste like; grassy and slightly bitter. It wasn’t my favorite, but it’s a passing moment and not completely horrible to taste.
Really, the hardest part was placing it under your tongue for 30 seconds. You immediately begin to salivate and your instinct is to swallow. I don’t know how effective it is to do this, so I tried swallowing it immediately as well as placing it sublingually. To be honest, I don’t know if I could tell the difference. Further testing is required.
Pros
Easy Application
High CBD
Cons
Grassy Flavor
Incredibles
Photo courtesy of Incredibles
Incredibles S'mores Bar 100mg THC
For me, this was the best type of edible because it had a bit more kick to it due to the added THC. The packaging says 100 mg of THC but really each square is 10 mg each with 10 squares of chocolate. The S’mores Infused Edibles solves two problems at once. Chocolatey snack for the sweet tooth and sleep-inducing qualities from the THC. Usually, you can take half a square to a full square to figure out which dosage works best for you.
One square a night right before bed and you’re good to go (to sleep). They do offer several other options with THC and some with a combination of THC and CBD for added effect. I’m not a huge fan of S’mores but in chocolate bar form, they were pretty good.
I always say I’m not a sweets kind of person but then they show me chocolate and I’m a goner. The packaging is childproof and funny. They make the jokes like Boom. Roasted. At least I hope it’s a joke because that’s what I take it at. You’re high Clairee…Anyway, they have several types of edible products to choose from like hard candies, gummies, and sours. The downside is that you’re paying a lot for 10 squares of chocolate mixed with THC. Definitely not a deal breaker but for a month’s supply, that could add up.
Pros
Taste Great
THC Based
Cons
Pricey
What to Consider When Buying Edibles
Type of Relief
The first thing on your list should be what you want out of your edible. If you’re looking for a feel-good high, then THC is. If you’re wanting to relax and calm your mind without the high feeling, then CBD (and possibly CBN) is where it’s at. However, there are options for THC and CBD giving you the best of both worlds.
Ingredients
It goes without saying but you should always choose all-natural products with no additives, preservatives, or chemicals. THC and CBD should be derived from U.S.-based ingredients. However, even some of the best cannabis edibles will have added sugar and flavorings, it’s unavoidable but the base products themselves should be free of harmful chemicals.
Lab Tested
Sometimes it’s hard to tell but the THC, CBD, and CBN ingredients should be lab-tested. When a product is lab-tested, they ensure it’s free of chemicals, pesticides, heavy metals, and contaminants. They can also verify the potency of the product you’re about to consume.
Flavor and Potency
Luckily, you can find THC and CBD in just about any flavor and potency level. You need to know what your tolerance level is and adjust accordingly. Too little of a dosage will be ineffective and too high of a dosage can be a serious issue.
Frequently Asked Questions
What edibles are best for beginners?
This depends on the product you are going to eat but it’s always a good idea to start small, like 5 mg of THC. With CBD, you can start with a higher dosage because it’s not as psychoactive as THC. Once you are comfortable with this, you can adjust according to your needs.
Do edibles give you a hangover?
Edibles don’t typically cause hangover-like symptoms but that’s not to say they can’t. Cannabis stays in your body much longer than alcohol does and it can sometimes feel like you have a hangover. If this happens, you should definitely cut back on your dosage or just take a break from edibles.
What is the difference between THC and CBD?
- THC, also known as Tetrahydrocannabinol, is the psychoactive ingredient in cannabis. This is what gives you the “high” feeling and is mind-altering.
- CBD, also known as Cannabidiol, is derived from the hemp plant, is not addictive, and is used for more medicinal applications. It does not contain THC so, therefore, is not mind-altering.
How long does it take for edibles to kick in?
Edibles can take anywhere from 10 minutes to a few hours to kick in. Also, ingesting THC or CBD is much more potent and longer lasting.
Final Thoughts
Having the best cannabis edibles comes down to personal preference and needs. I use them for their sleep-inducing qualities. I am perfectly fine using edibles made with CBD, THC, or a combination as long as I can sleep and sleep well! Now that cannabis is legal in over 20 states and territories, you can find a dispensary that offers a variety of products. There is nothing wrong with cannabis and its use; the stigma it once had is thankfully diminishing however, as with any substance, partake responsibly.