I’m glad you can’t see me right now. The skin around my eyes is red and swollen, my nail polish is chipped, and I’m retaining so much water that I had to sneak into my maid’s room this morning and steal a pair of her Walmart stretch pants that were made in China. The Chinese are not Christians, so I’ve strictly forbidden the staff to bring any of their heathen products into my home, but I do own a sizable amount of Walmart stock, so I shall make an exception for the young heifer.
I am sure your unplucked eyebrows are in a furrow, wondering about my emotional and physical distress. I thank you for your concern and shall present six of my dilemmas in an easy-to-read list, eighth-grade-level prose so you can easily understand:
1. In the midst of the heat wave, my pool is a torrid 94 degrees. It’s like swimming in used bath water.
2. One of my freezer units went out and melted the ice blocks in my ice sculpture studio and gallery.
3. The Stonewall Riots are celebrating their 40th anniversary. Won’t those old drag queens ever shut up and die?
4. Farrah Fawcett never returned my favorite casserole dish. It’s gone forever.
5. I’ll miss the clack-clack sound of Ed McMahon’s ill-fitting dentures.
6. Michael Jackson died without ever letting me pet his chimpanzee, Bubbles.
Quite frankly, I’m scared of old people dying. They’re the only ones who have kept our nation morally straight and on the narrow road to salvation. I read an April New York Times/CBS News poll that found that 57 percent of people under 40 said they supported same-sex marriage, compared with 31 percent of respondents over 40.
This means that if you’re under 40, you’re going to hell.
On my driver’s license, I am only 36 (I have connections), so as a member of the younger generation, I will lead a moral crusade against LGBT heathens achieving any sort of lifestyle like mine.
In case you all have forgotten, the Bible strictly states that you are worth even less than the nasty newsprint this paper is printed on. In I Corinthians 6:9-10, it says: The unrighteous shall not inherit the kingdom of God. So do not be deceived; neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor homosexuals, nor thieves, nor the covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers shall inherit the realm of God.
God wrote the Bible, and according to Scripture, you have no chance of going to Heaven. Give up, folks. I am tired of you all claiming you love each other and want to settle down into monogamous families. The fact is that I can’t get over the horror of two identical genitalia getting close ... even touching. It’s icky. And then my body revolts, retains water, and I get cranky. Water-weight gain is caused by gay and lesbian sex.
And speaking of Stonewall, don’t tell me that you’ve been second-class citizens for 40 years. The truth is, you’ve been scourges of humanity for centuries. If we brought back the custom of burning gays at the stake, I could convert more of your souls. I have a call in to the re-elected president of Iran for some advice on how to stage a public execution. It will come in handy, in the cases where gay exorcisms don’t work.
I recently took Apostle Patricia McKinney of Connecticut’s Manifested Glory Ministries church to dinner. She’s one of the leaders of the ministry behind the gay exorcism video with the 16-year-old boy that has been so popular on YouTube lately. I asked her how she came up with the brilliant concept of exorcising the gay demons. She smiled a big smile and slapped me on the back. “My tower of power is almighty Jesus! I scared the devil right out, I did.”
Praise Jesus.
We Christians know we’re the only ones going to the Kingdom of Heaven. I shall carry the Torch of Christ high, so that others may see my Light. My light is brighter than yours, but that doesn’t mean I’m any better — just more beautiful.
And much, much more Christian.
Here’s a call to the leaders of Missouri and Kansas: Put Jesus on our license plates, as Florida has just done! I would have preferred a live Jesus instead of a dead Jesus, though, with a bit of a suntan.
I was forced by the editors of this filthy rag to tie the deaths of Farrah and Michael to some sort of gay theme. So here’s the gay theme, you hideous editor: Las Vegas’ gay duo: Siegfried and Roy. Why anyone would want to watch homosexuals perform magic is beyond me, but I’m normal. ’Nuff said.
My new best friend, Apostle Patricia McKinney, who made headlines by exorcising the devil out of a gay boy. Both the gays and the devil are crabby with her.
This is my Jeff Koons sculpture, Michael Jackson (and Bubbles), 1988. I’ve kept it in the attic for the last few years, but am bringing it out as a tribute to Michael and his artistry. Rest well, PYT.
Francine offers her slightly skewed viewpoint on issues in the Kansas City metropolitan area’s LGBT community in each issue of Camp. And since you’re asking, yes, she’s a fictional character. Well, you asked.
WhistlePig and Alfa Romeo F1 Team Stake Wind Tunnel-Trialed Whiskey Is a Ryed You Don’t Want to Miss
SHOREHAM, VT (September 13, 2023) — WhistlePig Whiskey, the leaders in independent craft whiskey, and Alfa Romeo F1 Team Stake are waving the checkered flag on a legend-worthy release that’s taking whiskey to G-Force levels. The Limited Edition PiggyBack Legends Series: Alfa Romeo F1 Team Stake Barrel is a high Rye Whiskey selected by the Alfa Romeo F1 Team Stake drivers, with barrels trialed in their wind tunnel to ensure a thrilling taste in every sip.
The third iteration in WhistlePig’s Single Barrel PiggyBack Legends Series, the Alfa Romeo F1 Team Stake Barrel is bottled at 96.77 proof, a nod to Valtteri Bottas’ racing number, 77, and the precision of racing. Inspired by Zhou Guanyu, the first Chinese F1 driver, this Rye Whiskey is finished with lychee and oolong tea. Herbal and floral notes of the oolong tea complement the herbaceous notes of WhistlePig’s signature PiggyBack 100% Rye, rounded out with a juicy tropical fruit finish and a touch of spice.
Like Alfa Romeo F1 Team Stake’s signature C43 racing vehicles, trial barrels were tested in the team’s wind tunnel in Switzerland before hitting the track. Select barrels then endured varying levels of G-Forces at the WhistlePig farm and distillery for the finishing touch, accelerating the interaction between the whiskey and the wood, staying true to the physical nature of Formula 1.
“Partnering with WhistlePig has been a very exciting experience. Alfa Romeo F1 Team Stake is dedicated to being the best on the track, and the crew at WhistlePig is fearless in their pursuit to create the best whiskey out there,” said Valtteri Bottas, Alfa Romeo F1 Team Stake’s driver. “We’re really looking forward to fans tasting our custom Rye Whiskey and raising a glass to the rookies, veterans, legends and the exhilarating sport of F1.”
"Joining forces with WhistlePig to release a Single Barrel Rye Whiskey that represents my culture and team has been an honor,” said Zhou Guanyu, Alfa Romeo F1 Team Stake’s driver. “Formula 1 brings together fearless, thrill-seeking motorsports professionals, and WhistlePig has a shared passion for boundary-pushing innovation. Together, we’ve selected something alarmingly good for fans to enjoy this season when the cars are not on track.”
The Limited Edition Alfa Romeo F1 Team Stake Barrel will be available for purchase online starting around September 13 for $49.99 MSRP per 750ml bottle and sold in select stores across the U.S. Consumers can win VIP merchandise by scanning the QR code on the back of each bottle.
"We're taking our third Legends Series release on a ryed like never before,” said Meghan Ireland, WhistlePig Head Blender. "Our experiments with dynamic aging went full throttle during finishing trials at the Alfa Romeo F1 Team Stake wind tunnel, in turn inspiring new ways to expose barrels to G-forces back at the WhistlePig Farm. The herbal and floral notes of the lychee and tea barrel selected with the team create a new, podium-topping experience for PiggyBack Rye."
Fans and collectors have followed WhistlePig PiggyBack Legends Series, celebrating those who give 100% in the name of greatness, since its launch in March 2022 with Major League Baseball Hall of Famer, David Ortiz (“Big Papi”), followed by Country Music Duo Brothers Osborne in November 2022.
To learn more about WhistlePig Whiskey, visit whistlepigwhiskey.com. You can also check out WhistlePig Whiskey on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram.
About WhistlePig Whiskey
Located off the grid on a 500-acre Vermont farm, WhistlePig Whiskey is crafted by a new generation of whiskey distillers and blenders driven to reinvent and unlock the flavor of Rye whiskey. Through their rebellious pursuit of experimenting and pushing boundaries in the industry, WhistlePig has become the leading independent craft whiskey brand for innovation. WhistlePig is committed to becoming the best whiskey on and for the planet, starting with its locally sourced ingredients and sustainable supply chain and distilling process. For more information, head to whistlepigwhiskey.com.
Nurse Practitioner Ari Kravitz
When I started medical transition at 20 years old, it was very difficult to get the care I needed for hormone replacement therapy because there are very few providers trained in starting hormones for trans people, even though it’s very similar to the hormones that we prescribe to women in menopause or cisgender men with low testosterone.
I hope more providers get trained in LGBTQ+ healthcare, so they can support patients along their individual gender journey, and provide the info needed to make informed decisions about their body. I’ve personally seen my trans patients find hope and experience a better quality of life through hormone replacement therapy.
If you don’t have a primary care physician who specializes in LGBTQ+ care in your community, you may need to educate yourself (and your provider). But, before you seek such therapy, here are five things you should know!
- Monitor closely. At Spectrum Medical Care Center, we screen patients for certain risks before starting anyone on hormones. We frequently monitor patients in the first year to ensure there are no adverse reactions and lab results are within safe ranges. Follow-up care is also important to assess your comfort with the transition as well as the social impact and social support you’re experiencing.
- Some changes are permanent, some temporary. For transmasculine individuals going on testosterone, they’ll experience these permanent changes: deepened voice, clitoral enlargement (also known as bottom growth), more body, facial hair, and male pattern baldness. Reversible changes include cessation of menses, increased muscle mass and strength, body fat redistribution, and skin oiliness or acne. For those going on estrogen therapy, the most permanent change is breast growth. Feminizing hormone therapy can also cause atrophy (shrinkage) of the genitals and loss of erectile function that may not be reversible. Estrogen will thin body hair, soften the skin, can increase scalp hair, and decrease muscle mass and strength, all of which are reversible.
- You can’t pick and choose results. Unfortunately, you can’t pick and choose the physical changes you want, which may feel challenging. Some of my patients will say, ‘Okay, ‘I’ve seen the permanent changes I want, and I don’t want it to go any further,’ and so at that point, we stop therapy. Low-dose hormone therapy can slow down the rate of changes, allowing for a more gradual physical transition. We counsel patients in advance about the common changes, and it’s up to the individual as to when they’d like to scale back and determine whether some benefits are worth the potential risks.
- Be aware of risks. Like any medical treatment, there are potential risks involved. Some risks with testosterone therapy include increased red blood cell mass, acne, hypertension, sleep apnea, weight gain, and dyslipidemia (increases the chance of clogged arteries). Cardiovascular disease is likely increased with additional risk factors for testosterone and estrogen therapy. Transfeminine patients going on estrogen therapy may experience weight gain, thromboembolic disease (when a blood clot breaks off and blocks another blood vessel), and a high level of triglycerides in the blood.
Descanso Resort swimming pool and lounge area
Descanso Resort, Palm Springs' premier destination for gay men, just received Tripadvisor's highest honor, a Travelers' Choice "Best of the Best" award for 2023. Based on guests' reviews and ratings, fewer than 1% of Tripadvisor's 8 million listings around the world receive the coveted "Best of the Best" designation. Descanso ranked 12th in the top 25 small inns and hotels category in the United States. Quite an accomplishment!
Open less than two years, Descanso Resort offers gay men a relaxing and luxurious boutique hotel experience just minutes away from Palm Springs' buzziest restaurants, nightclubs, and shopping. Descanso has quickly established itself as a top destination for sophisticated gay travelers, earning hundreds of 5-star guest reviews and consistently ranking in Trapadvisor's top positions alongside brother properties Santiago Resort and Twin Palms Resort.
"Our entire team is honored to be named Best of the Best. To be the only gay men's resort recognized in the Top 1% is incredibly humbling," said Kent Taylor, General Manager at Descanso. "We appreciate Tripadvisor and we're grateful to all our guests who gave us such high marks and reviews to help us reach this achievement."
“Ranking among the Best of the Best demonstrates that you have provided exemplary experiences to those who maZer most: your guests,” said John Boris, Chief Growth Officer at Tripadvisor. “With changing expectations, continued labor shortages, and rising costs, this is no easy feat, and I am con6nually impressed with the hospitality industry’s resilience and ability to adapt.”
Santiago Resort was once again honored by Tripadvisor with a 2023 Travelers’ Choice award, placing it among the top 10% of travelers’ top reviewed des6na6ons. Twin Palms will become eligible for ranking in 2024.
Check out all the reviews, and discover more about Descanso Resort on Tripadvisor here. We have an excellent library of resort imagery available to accompany editorial and additional resources on our press page. Please contact Descanso Resort’s General Manager, Kent Taylor, at kent@descansoresort.com for further information.
About Descanso Resort
Inspired by Palm Springs’ history as a des6na6on for Hollywood stars to unwind in privacy, Descanso offers guests a casual yet modern take on the legendary style of that 6me. Created by the same hospitality team that revitalized Palm Springs’ much-loved San6ago Resort and recently launched the all-new Twin Palms Resort, the Descanso property opened in 2022 featuring 15 spacious guest rooms with custom-designed furniture, dreamy King-size beds, and luxe details. Ameni6es include continental breakfast, poolside lunch, welcome snack basket, and lots of special touches. For guests who need to stay connected, the entire property is equipped with blazing-fast Wi-Fi. Mul6-speed bikes are available for exploring the surrounding midcentury neighborhoods and public art installations. Like the Hollywood stars before them, guests at Descanso are encouraged to unwind, relax, and rest in style.
About Tripadvisor
Travelers across the globe use the Tripadvisor site and app to discover where to stay, what to do and where to eat based on guidance from those who have been there before. With more than 1 billion reviews and opinions of nearly 8 million businesses, travelers turn to Tripadvisor to find deals on accommodations, book experiences, reserve tables at delicious restaurants and discover great places nearby.