I’m glad you can’t see me right now. The skin around my eyes is red and swollen, my nail polish is chipped, and I’m retaining so much water that I had to sneak into my maid’s room this morning and steal a pair of her Walmart stretch pants that were made in China. The Chinese are not Christians, so I’ve strictly forbidden the staff to bring any of their heathen products into my home, but I do own a sizable amount of Walmart stock, so I shall make an exception for the young heifer.
I am sure your unplucked eyebrows are in a furrow, wondering about my emotional and physical distress. I thank you for your concern and shall present six of my dilemmas in an easy-to-read list, eighth-grade-level prose so you can easily understand:
1. In the midst of the heat wave, my pool is a torrid 94 degrees. It’s like swimming in used bath water.
2. One of my freezer units went out and melted the ice blocks in my ice sculpture studio and gallery.
3. The Stonewall Riots are celebrating their 40th anniversary. Won’t those old drag queens ever shut up and die?
4. Farrah Fawcett never returned my favorite casserole dish. It’s gone forever.
5. I’ll miss the clack-clack sound of Ed McMahon’s ill-fitting dentures.
6. Michael Jackson died without ever letting me pet his chimpanzee, Bubbles.
Quite frankly, I’m scared of old people dying. They’re the only ones who have kept our nation morally straight and on the narrow road to salvation. I read an April New York Times/CBS News poll that found that 57 percent of people under 40 said they supported same-sex marriage, compared with 31 percent of respondents over 40.
This means that if you’re under 40, you’re going to hell.
On my driver’s license, I am only 36 (I have connections), so as a member of the younger generation, I will lead a moral crusade against LGBT heathens achieving any sort of lifestyle like mine.
In case you all have forgotten, the Bible strictly states that you are worth even less than the nasty newsprint this paper is printed on. In I Corinthians 6:9-10, it says: The unrighteous shall not inherit the kingdom of God. So do not be deceived; neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor homosexuals, nor thieves, nor the covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers shall inherit the realm of God.
God wrote the Bible, and according to Scripture, you have no chance of going to Heaven. Give up, folks. I am tired of you all claiming you love each other and want to settle down into monogamous families. The fact is that I can’t get over the horror of two identical genitalia getting close ... even touching. It’s icky. And then my body revolts, retains water, and I get cranky. Water-weight gain is caused by gay and lesbian sex.
And speaking of Stonewall, don’t tell me that you’ve been second-class citizens for 40 years. The truth is, you’ve been scourges of humanity for centuries. If we brought back the custom of burning gays at the stake, I could convert more of your souls. I have a call in to the re-elected president of Iran for some advice on how to stage a public execution. It will come in handy, in the cases where gay exorcisms don’t work.
I recently took Apostle Patricia McKinney of Connecticut’s Manifested Glory Ministries church to dinner. She’s one of the leaders of the ministry behind the gay exorcism video with the 16-year-old boy that has been so popular on YouTube lately. I asked her how she came up with the brilliant concept of exorcising the gay demons. She smiled a big smile and slapped me on the back. “My tower of power is almighty Jesus! I scared the devil right out, I did.”
Praise Jesus.
We Christians know we’re the only ones going to the Kingdom of Heaven. I shall carry the Torch of Christ high, so that others may see my Light. My light is brighter than yours, but that doesn’t mean I’m any better — just more beautiful.
And much, much more Christian.
Here’s a call to the leaders of Missouri and Kansas: Put Jesus on our license plates, as Florida has just done! I would have preferred a live Jesus instead of a dead Jesus, though, with a bit of a suntan.
I was forced by the editors of this filthy rag to tie the deaths of Farrah and Michael to some sort of gay theme. So here’s the gay theme, you hideous editor: Las Vegas’ gay duo: Siegfried and Roy. Why anyone would want to watch homosexuals perform magic is beyond me, but I’m normal. ’Nuff said.
My new best friend, Apostle Patricia McKinney, who made headlines by exorcising the devil out of a gay boy. Both the gays and the devil are crabby with her.
This is my Jeff Koons sculpture, Michael Jackson (and Bubbles), 1988. I’ve kept it in the attic for the last few years, but am bringing it out as a tribute to Michael and his artistry. Rest well, PYT.
Francine offers her slightly skewed viewpoint on issues in the Kansas City metropolitan area’s LGBT community in each issue of Camp. And since you’re asking, yes, she’s a fictional character. Well, you asked.
Financial Planning for the LGBTQ+ community
Financial planning is a great way to start your year on the right foot, but if you’re a part of the queer and childfree, you might need to make a few more adjustments than your hetero friends.
Let’s take a look at some strategies you can use in the new year to get your finances in order in a way that fits your lifestyle.
The Challenges You Might Face
Facing your challenges
Photo by x ) on Unsplash
Depending on where you live, there might be certain legal protections and benefits in place that can help you with financial planning. However, not all states offer those protections, which can do more harm than good and create a few challenges for you as you plan for your financial future.
For example, if you’re not legally married, you aren’t eligible for things like inheritance laws and social security benefits. No matter how long you’ve been with your partner, it’s required by law that you be married to receive those protections. Furthermore, many states have not yet established anti-discrimination laws. This means that, depending on your location, you might not have protection against things like:
- Housing costs
- Access to credit
- Healthcare access
Putting a strong, legal-approached financial plan in place now will not only help to prepare you for the future but will give you a better idea of the challenges you might have to face as you get older. It’s often worthwhile to find a financial advisor who specializes in working with LGBTQIA+ individuals and couples. They’ll be able to help you make smart decisions with your money and keep you up-to-date with the laws and protections in your state.
A financial advisor can also help with roadblocks you might face if you’re on a budget and need money quickly. For example, pulling money out of a retirement account early generally isn’t a good idea. If you make early withdrawals, a 10% early distribution tax is added. However, if you have a permanent disability, qualifying medical costs, or need financial assistance with caregiving, you may be able to draw from it early without penalty. A financial advisor can point you in the right direction and protect you from penalties.
Making Investment Purchases
While you may have more disposable income without children to provide for, it doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t do your due diligence when making larger purchases. These larger, investment purchases may not always follow the same trajectory as traditional, heteronormative purchases do — e.g., weddings, big houses, and then family-sized vans. Of course, you can choose to follow this trajectory or stray from this path according to your specific lifestyle. In any case, you want to watch out for discrimination when making any big purchases. Make sure to vet the company you are working with. Look at reviews and ask around in the community. Also, do your research on protections against discrimination.
For example, find out what U.S. laws protect LGBTQIA+ homebuyers. Anti-discrimination laws can only build on federal housing laws, so check your state for extra protections. When buying a car, make sure you don’t fall victim to scammy sales tactics. Even though LGBTQ+ credit discrimination is illegal, there are still systemic issues that cause credit issuers — including car dealerships — to have misconceptions about the community. It’s best to remain vigilant just in case.
For instance, you may have just one income to rely on and are in the market for a used car. When purchasing a used car, ask smart questions to avoid financial mistakes. Consider asking the car salesperson:
- What is the vehicle’s history — including service records, wrecks, or even reported theft of the vehicle?
- Are there any previous or current problems you have noticed with the vehicle?
- What services were done to prepare the car for sale?
- What is included with the car — including any preinstalled upgrades, warranties, or the number of keys on hand?
- What is the policy to return a car after purchase?
These questions may seem invasive, but they are actually investigative and, often, necessary. Avoid covert discrimination in the form of “pulling the wool over your eyes” because you are unfairly perceived as uninformed at the car dealership — come prepared. This goes for any costly purchase, so do your research and prepare for any curveballs that come your way.
Starting Fresh Financial Habits in the New Year
No matter the challenges you face — either legally or personally — one of the best ways to boost your financial wellness in the new year is to create healthier habits. Create a budget for yourself that allows you to live the lifestyle you want while preparing for the future. Maybe you’re thinking about having children someday and want to start saving now. Maybe you know that parenthood isn’t for you but you want a comfortable retirement. Some of the best ways to save, even when you’re on a tight budget, include:
- Cutting down on excessive expenses
- Finding a side gig
- Asking for a raise at work
- Chipping away at debt
- Eating at home more often
- Adjusting your paycheck withholdings.
It’s never too soon to start planning and preparing for the future — whether you live alone, with roommates, with a partner, or with a spouse. Keep these tips in mind to overcome financial hurdles and make the most of your financial vision, this year and beyond.
Slane Irish Whiskey bottles
Whiskey has been hitting the shelves left and right lately taking up aisles and aisles. All good things if you ask me. I took a quick trip out to Atlanta for a review of Slane Irish Whiskey. I know what you’re thinking. Atlanta and Irish Whiskey? I was waiting for the connection but there wasn’t one, except for the people I met but let’s start from the beginning, shall we?
Visiting a Garden That Gives Back to the Community
The garden at A Sip of Paradise
Photo courtesy of A Sip of Paradise
The first thing on the list is to visit a place called A Sip of Paradise. This non-profit garden space caters to bartenders and people in the hospitality industry. It’s a place where everyone can gather for specific events, help maintain the garden, borrow from the garden, and create a sense of community. It’s a safe space where you can recharge the body, mind, and soul through gardening and health and wellness programs and so much more.
As the day unfolded, we learned how the garden space was created, why it was created, and how it thrives. Anyone in the hospitality industry can tell you that it is sometimes grueling hard work. It takes a toll on the body, mind, and at times, the spirit. Walking among the various plants and flowers, you get a sense of grounding. You take care of and nurture these plants so they will grow and thrive in the sultry weather. You leave your troubles behind as your focus turns to the garden, the people, and the stories they share.
As luck would have it, it poured down rain and we couldn’t go out and weed the garden. Then the rain stopped. Then it started again. Then finally, it stopped. During the rain, we huddled together under pop-up tents and shared stories and cocktails. We learned the stories of a few members and we learned how they give back to the community that has helped them along the way.
This. This is the connection. Slane Irish Whiskey (and company) is long rooted in community, music, sustainability, and a yearning for leaving the world a better place than they found it. Cliche, I know. But the work that A Sip of Paradise does on a daily basis is the same work Slane Distillery is doing. Building a legacy.
These people are more than mere bartenders, mixologists, and drink slingers. There were trailblazers and celebrities in their own right. They were are giving back. They were are making a difference. All the while making amazing cocktails.
A Sip of Paradise’s principles are easy. Come together as a community. Partake in the care of the garden space, take what you need, and give what you can.
Inside the Epicurean Hotel Atlanta
Epicurean Hotel Atlanta
Photo courtesy of Epicurean Hotel Atlanta, Autograph Collection by Marriott
I was staying in the heart of Midtown Atlanta at the Epicurean Hotel. This isn’t your typical run-of-the-mill hotel–it’s a food-themed boutique hotel. Instead of checking in at the front desk or speaking with a concierge person, you actually check in at the host desk inside the first-floor restaurant called Reverence. Upon checking in, you’re offered your choice of a complimentary beer or glass of wine. (impressed already).
Each floor is food themed. I happened to be staying on the Pinot Noir floor. Fitting I know. I have the sense that it didn’t matter what floor I was on! The room was great and wouldn’t you know, there was a bar with snacks. Not one of those tiny little minibars, but a full-on wall dedicated to all things booze. There were shelves with wine on them, spirits, and snacks. Some were complimentary so as I sipped my complimentary wine, I had some snacks as I relaxed and pretended to get some work done before meeting the group downstairs.
Reverence is the main restaurant where you not only dine and drink, but this is where I checked into my hotel. It’s an open kitchen concept with plenty of seating in and around the kitchen. Elegantly designed and decorated to make you feel right at home.
If you want a bit more casual, you can head to Aerial Kitchen and Bar situated next to the swimming pool and cabanas. Seating is like sitting in your familiar backyard and hanging out with friends. The open concept means you’re sitting outside enjoying the weather.
If you’re not quite ready for dining, you can head over to The Office Bar and cocktails. Don’t worry, if you do end up getting hungry, you can order from the eclectic menu.
Perhaps the shining jewel of the hotel would be the cooking theater. The Epicurean Theatre is built for demonstrations, teachings, or any group event where you can learn various cooking techniques.
There’s a Sky Terrance where you can take in the views of Atlanta’s skyline or just lounge around on the large lawn space taking a break from work, or perhaps you’re working remotely. It’s a perfect setting to do that.
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Cooking Demonstrations with Whiskey Pairings
Chef preparing for his cooking demonstration at the Epicurean Theatre
Photo credit of Joe Eats World
Most of the amazing people we met in the garden were attending the dinner along with a few local writers, bloggers, and fellow lovers of food. One of the Slane Irish Whiskey Ambassadors was there to give us a bit more history on Slane Distillery.
Slane Irish Whiskey is triple distilled and triple casked using virgin barrels, seasoned barrels, and sherry. Slane works on sustainability, renewable energy, and a lower carbon footprint. Toss in the whiskey, music, and oh, a rebuilt Irish Castle and you get some pretty amazing history. The castle is used for tours, weddings, and music venues. Some of the biggest names in music have either visited or played at the castle.
Our dinner was a paring of three different expressions of Slane’s whiskey. Dinner was a four-course experience where we feasted on chilled half-shell oysters, hot and sour pork belly bao buns, scallops n grits, and orange-cured summer peaches. We finished off the evening with another Slane Irish Whiskey coffee old fashioned. Honestly, I didn’t think I was going to sleep that night but curiously, it wasn’t a problem.
Having Brunch Before Heading to the Airport
The James Room entrance
Photo courtesy of Joe Eats World
The next day we set out for The James Room. Their website opens with We’re a Vibe and I have to agree. We were told about The James Room but upon arriving and walking through the glass doors, you’re taken aback because we were supposed to have cocktails and brunch with Tiffanie Barriere. Instead what I walked into was a coffee and pastry shop with a few tables to either side of me and a coffee counter directly ahead. Intriguing.
As we were talking, one of our new friends came walking through one of the side doors and asked us to follow her. Blown away doesn’t even begin to describe what happened next. You know that point in Wizard of Oz when Dorothy walks around her house after the tornado and it’s filmed in Black and White and then she opens the door and walks outside into technicolor? That’s literally what happened to me. As the door opened, another world opened up.
The room was dimly lit in a perfect way, to my left was a very long wrap-around bar and behind (or in front, depending on how you’re standing) were various seating booths with velvet and leather seats. Words of welcome and greetings came from all around as we reunited with more of our friends from the garden.
As we were waiting for brunch, we stood around with cocktails of course, and chatted about the previous day's events when we were almost rained out of gardening! Once brunch was out of the way, it was time to get busy, we were there for an Irish coffee workshop after all. Obviously, we were going to be using Slane Whiskey as the main ingredient. We received a demo of how the Irish coffee is built and then we were on our own to recreate said coffee. We all did pretty well if you ask me but then again, it was 10:30 in the morning and we were already on cocktail two or three and we were flying out in a few hours.
It was a whirlwind event. In less than 24 hours, I met some of the most amazing humans, had some amazing cocktails made from Slane Irish Whiskey of course, ate some absolutely delicious food, and at noon I was on my way back to the airport. My only regret is that the events didn’t last longer. It was definitely not enough time to explore and experience the wonders that Atlanta’s food scene and cocktail scenes have to offer. Especially that hotel. My God, that hotel.
One More Whiskey Tasting After I Return to Chicago
Irish Coffee using Slane Irish Whiskey
Photo courtesy of Joe Eats World
Fast forward a few weeks later as I’m back home in Chicago, I get invited to a dinner and whiskey tasting for Slane. Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to make the dinner but I did get a chance to hang out a The Kerryman and experience blending my own whiskey and tasting even more Slane Irish Whiskey concoctions. We laughed about the rainstorm in Atlanta and talked about how amazing the people were, how good the food was, and how we went through A LOT of whiskey. One of the reps from a GlenDronach Scotch and Cheese pairing event I attended was there and we talked about how amazing everything there was.
If you’re a whiskey fan, you should do yourself a favor and pick up a bottle or 2 of Slane’s. They’re making some pretty good stuff. Even though they’re a young-ish company, they have some great things on the horizon.
This post was originally published on Joe Eats World