Are you getting married?

Um ... no. Please stop asking. You're making this weird. Thank you so much for acknowledging that I'm a human being with equal rights, but no. Besides, what’s marriage equality anyway? There's no such thing as total equality in any relationship: I, for example, like to date people who are clearly less attractive and less intelligent than me, so I can maintain this false sense of superiority.

I think my favorite thing I've heard since marriage equality passed is, "Well, all the gay rights work is done." Yeah. Because, you know, ever since the Civil Rights Movement of the 1960's the black community has just coasted. They've had no issues with social equality or injustice.

There's a lot of work to be done. Signing petitions and whatnot doesn't fix the rip in the core of our fabric. There's this deep seeded need to hate in our society. I'm not really sure why. We freak out over flags and sexuality, while black churches are burned down across the South with little or no media coverage because ... you know, priorities. We need to bond as people, come together as neighbors and love one another.

I do think it starts with marriage equality. Not for social justice reasons but because the family unit is a commonality all people relate to, one way or the other. Just think, a homophobe could be reformed of his ways by sitting down with a gay man and complaining about how their partners spend too much money on nonsense or griping about their mothers-in-law. I mean, let’s face it, mothers-in-law are the worst, no matter who you are.

How many times have you been at a wedding and thought, "This food is awful, and that dress is a wreck”? See that! We're bonding! We have to find common ground and work from there. I think we can all agree Wal-Mart sucks, but that they've got all the shit we need! Am I right? Unity.

People say this ruling will further divide the country: I wholeheartedly disagree. The marriage equality campaigns focused on the happiness of marriage, and for uptight miserably married straight people this was a huge turn off. It is a defect of our humanity that we are better at banding together against a common enemy than coming together to share in a stranger’s joy. So let’s focus on the miserable family junk we all have to power through now, thanks to the Supreme Court, and I promise the division will cease.

In most family units, there are children. With marriage equality, we now need to focus on legalizing gay adoption across the board. There's no better way to do this than by pointing out how much kids suck, right? UGH! Kids are the worst! Being a parent isn't rewarding, it's expensive! And draining! And annoying! Having two children of my own, I often find myself wishing David Bowie would appear, Labyrinth-style, and take them away for 13 hours. Oh Jereth! Where are you, and the cod-piece you wore in a children's movie, when I really need you?!

People say gay adoption and gay marriage will ruin the traditional family unit, the nuclear family if you will. Oh! You mean the one where mom and dad are miserable, barely functioning alcoholics who are stuck together because of finances and kids and who have a affairs because twenty years ago, when the pressure to breed hit, they looked around said "You'll do," got factory jobs, and called it a day? Yeah, who'd wanna destroy that? It sounds amazing. I think my favorite so far was "gay marriage will lead to more abortions" because ... science!

I'm waiting for all these doomsayers to be right. I wanna picket Planned Parenthood so I can tell a gay man he can't get an abortion because my religion will have a cry about it. I want to live in this alternate universe where all the weird, right-wing predictions come true: where Al Sharpton is president and the White House is moved to his secret lair on skull crusher mountain, Al Gore becomes the new Jesus, and the new national anthem is "Call Me Al." I hope that song got stuck in your head like it did mine just now, but I digress.

The things that destroy family units aren't LGBT people being able to marry or adopt, it's a bunch of outside stuff: work, drugs, temptation, poor character, and binge drinking trophies (kids, or whatever you wanna call them). All the stresses of life and selfish coping mechanisms, that's what’s ruining families. Not the gay community that’s been made into scapegoat because of someone’s daddy issues and inferiority complex.

Yes, I'm happy marriage equality is legal on a federal level. I think it will lead to a better, stronger society, where members can band together as one and hate the shit out their in-laws. It's going to be a beautiful thing.

Think of all the mistakes we'll get to make, just like straight people! Marry the wrong person, buy a house together, adopt ungrateful children, divorce, marry another wrong person (and another wrong person, and one more for good measure) before you give up on love entirely. Then we’ll get to watch the right person walks into our lives just when we’re too emotional damaged to love them back and three divorces have left our credit scores in shambles, so we can't really bring anything to the table anyway.

This whole paragraph makes me miss my dad… Anyhoo, I think the stresses will make us bond as humans. We will all be able to relate to how much it sucks being an adult, how ungrateful our teen kids are, how our mothers-in-law are possibly horsemen of the apocalypse, why we're scared to fall in love again, and how much alimony payments blow. The stuff of life will bond us all. We will share all the nitty gritty pain of life that makes us stronger and celebrations sweeter.

This will be a good thing. I think it really will make family fashionable, and hence the country better. Leave it to the gays to make family the ‘it’ accessory of the twenty-first century. But, no. I am still not getting married because F$@& having a mother-in-law: they're the worst.





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