All Butt Hurt

Look, I don't understand anal. I know I have gay male readers who more than do and will likely be like WTF?! I know some women like it—even some straight women claim to (I'll never believe you). I just don't get it. I also find it a bit terrifying. I know that men have a prostate, and that the b-hole is the prime location to massage it. I just don't get it.

I've watched gay porn extensively for research purposes, and the size of some of the meat trucks gear jamming those back doors is concerning. I honestly thought at any moment I might witness someone's rectum being yanked out on a foreskin. I don't see how it's pleasuring.

In all fairness, though, I'm afraid to have really firm bowel movements. I'm like, "This is gonna end with me on an episode of Weird Stories from the ER, I can feel it…"

I once dated a bi guy who HAD to have something up his poop shoot during all intimate goings on. I drew the line at him asking me to wear a HUGE strap on and give him anal. I was seriously worried I was gonna rip his butthole inside out or something.

I have made half-a**ed attempts at anal, but the idea always horrifies me. I saw an episode of 1000 Ways to Die that showed a guy dying from lifting something so heavy he got rectal prolapse. I've also seen TV shows where people go to the ER from having plain anal or something getting stuck up there. I've had two kids so when it comes to the strength on my vagina, I'm pretty confident. My butthole, I don't trust as much.

My other concern is pain. Gay men, doesn't it hurt? In my head it's gotta hurt every time. If feels so great, then what's the deal with no one wanting to be known as a bottom? I'm just not buying it. There's not enough lube in the world to make it tempting for me.

Every time I see anal in porn, man or woman there's always wincing. It makes it hard for me to believe this is actually pleasurable for the recipient. Oral sex, I get: blowing and being blown are both pleasurable. Giving anal, I understand: the giver has everything to gain in this equation. But I'm not sold in the experience being great for the catcher.

In all fairness I did write column this year about sex being weird, so maybe there's a lot I don't get.

Continuing that theme, I don't get salad tossing either. Maybe I have butthole aversion in general. I just don't find anything appealing about eating out someone's butt, because, well honestly you #2 out of there. I understand how live bacteria in the rectum works, and I'm certain I don't wanna put my mouth there. I barely wanna put my hand there to wipe myself.

I also have this whole neurotic thing (shocking for a Jewish person, I know). I've heard horror stories about giving butt oral, and I'm pretty confident my luck is bad enough that I'd get

whatever mouth disease lands you in the third world country ICU for six months, leading to certain death from butthole-to-mouth disease.

Receiving doesn't appeal to me either because again, I #2 out of there. I imagine I would feel very uncomfortable the whole time. And God forbid I did relax and enjoy it: I'm worried I'd immediately fart in the givers mouth, leading to mortification so severe I'd have to leave the planet. And what about ATM?! What if they wanna kiss me after? How do I sensitively say, "You just had your mouth on my butthole and I'm not kissing you now or ever again"

Hell, I'm even nervous about someone doing me from behind or 69-ing because, like, what if I missed spot wiping? Or I have skid marks or dingle berries? I secretly have doggie-style anxiety.

Also, what's the deal with people who sneak fingers in your brown eye? If I told you I'm not into butt stuff, 1) you're not gonna sneak that past me— it doesn’t go unnoticed, and 2) your finger isn't gonna be the game changer. There won't be scenario where I finger goes in, then I hear a choir of angels and think, "I'm converted! Butt stuff is all I thought it could never be!" Then fireworks and junk happen. I'm not into butt stuff, keep your fingers out of there!

And don't even get me started on people who try to go a**-to-vag. Really?! Guys aren't off the hook: going a**-to-wiener can be bad news too. Our buttholes are full of live bacteria. I can’t get away from that… I can't tell you how much that makes my skin crawl. You don't need a condom down there; you need a hazmat suit.

I know some of you really think you like butt stuff—I think you're all liars—there's just no convincing me. I'm a real tight ass that way. I'm just not convinced by the new pop culture excitement with butthole things. We've peaked this year with electing a giant butthole who's going to butt shag the country.

Side note, ladies: if you take it in the butt but not the vag, you are not a virgin. Sorry whores. You’re not a virgin, but you are moron for thinking one hole doesn't count. Also, I think I broke both a personal and publication record for most use of the word butthole in a column. I'm record-breakingly adamant about not liking butt stuff. Unless it's butt or fart jokes.




Graphic via Pretty Lady Smiles

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